some jokes

[1qwk767]

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to

question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How

many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you,

there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and

plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one,

two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

 

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In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen,

Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name

for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

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Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman

had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these

potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are

his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".

 

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Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks

away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of

his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly

entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the

breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

 

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed

her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here

for breakfast tomorrow."

 

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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,

"Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother

asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even

believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the

two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

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A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I

found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To

which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

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When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the

newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily

newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and

complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not

gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but

I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover

rather than the big shit that he really was."

 

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-- ----------------------------------------Nina and Liz are having a

conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex

life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social

Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a

little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

 

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One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he

has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and

streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

 

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that.

But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no,

they don't!"

 

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't

call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

 

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If

you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure

won't!"

 

"But if you fuck one goat......."

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The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang

Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house

of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"

 

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At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was

excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself

furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She

welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he

tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see

her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he

asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"