Oil Change Instructions for both men and women.

[DTM Brian]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the

last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 20 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained

vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change $30.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $31.00

==========================================================>

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,

filter,

kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive

home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw

kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter

and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil

everywhere from holes.

Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid

environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage

door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan

full of old oil out from underneath car.

Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to

Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to

gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along

with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt

into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to

cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental

penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw

kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily

rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid

crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood

flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during

steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

 

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

 

But you know the job was done right!

[ORourke]

:bs:

 

Oil change instructions for women-

 

"The little lamp thingy is coming on when I go around turns, what does that mean?" :doh:

[Lustalbert]

me: "Have you checked you oil recently?"

her: "I dont need to, you checked it when you chaged it, right?"

[stolen 5.0]

exactly, it's the satisfaction that you know it's done right and that shitty oil wasn't used.

[SpaceGhost]

Any one watch "free ride" the other night? The first part of the show was a kid out of college standing next to his mini cooper with the hood up on the side of the road, and the father asking what wrong with the car? he says I don't know it just quit running.

The dad asks when did you last change the oil?

 

He says:

I'm sure oil came in it from the factory.

 

The fater yells: you haven't put oil in this car in 3 years!

 

The kid says: Dad, It had oil in it when it came from the factory!

 

I was laughing my ass off because this is the exact conversation my father in law had with his daughter when her motor seized up because she didn't change the oil for 2 1/2 years. It makes you think though that her geo did make it 2 1/2 years without a oil change or added oil. They can't be that bad.....

[stolen 5.0]

they should include that on the drivers license exam.