conn-e-rot Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Last June I saw something at Uncle Sam's Guns in Edinboro, PA that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 8th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Wendy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Wendy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right? There I sat in my recliner, the base cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is a lm ost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! &!#!!*^*%**&/&& I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock,. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ross Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 :lol:i'm sorry man but i honestly laughed the entire time i read that!!!!that was the hardest i've laughed at anything in a long time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casper Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flounder Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Ive read basically the same thing you just posted. Similar posts have been made many times all being a small variation of each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casper Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Ive read basically the same thing you just posted. Similar posts have been made many times all being a small variation of each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conn-e-rot Posted December 3, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Ive read basically the same thing you just posted. Similar posts have been made many times all being a small variation of each other. damn spoil all the fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninjachk08 Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 :lol:sorry it hurt, but damn its funny to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 That story is funny every time I read it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moto-Brian Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Ive read basically the same thing you just posted. Similar posts have been made many times all being a small variation of each other.Wow. You're a Grumpy Gus, huh? Don't be so damn mean. Remember, Jesus Loves you. Fag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flounder Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Wow. You're a Grumpy Gus, huh? Don't be so damn mean. Remember, Jesus Loves you. Fag.Coming soon to you. -> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kawi kid Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 i have never read that before that was funny as hell!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conn-e-rot Posted December 3, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 When I first read it I couldn't stop laughing so I had to post it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeremygsxr Posted December 3, 2008 Report Share Posted December 3, 2008 Ignorance is bliss and sometimes painful, spoken from experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gump Posted December 4, 2008 Report Share Posted December 4, 2008 AaA's r bad Ass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1fasttc Posted December 4, 2008 Report Share Posted December 4, 2008 I can actually say that I have been tasered. While I wasn't drooling or flopping like a fish, it did hurt/alot of tingling/numbness. I had a couple of friends who thought that it would be great to play a trick on me and hit me with the taser they had purchased. Needless to say I knew something was up when I came to pickup my buddy's AK-47 and he handed it over real slow. Then the other buddy ran out with it popping waiting to tase me. In the process he tased my nipple and DRUG it down my chest bc he was falling/diving at me. He ended up tearing a 3inch gash from my nipple down, but he got a seriously deep gash as he fell on a steel pole and cut his knee. Moral of the story it sucks to get tasered.go on Youtube and type in "hot girls get tasered" you will enjoy it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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