TimTaylor751647545500 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2009 http://www.trackandshow.com/gallery/albums/random/iFail.jpg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ODoyle Posted February 25, 2009 Report Share Posted February 25, 2009 What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?! Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter! Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right! Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you! OBJECTIVE I need a motherfuckin job. SHIT I HAVE DONE -I invented the moon. -Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine. -I am also a wolverine. -Had sex with the Spice Girls. -The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it. -I have prophetic visions of the apocalypse. -Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/ -Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave. -I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works. -When I was 8, a Frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind. -My brother is the Eiffel Tower -Direct descendant of Beowulf -Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment -Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19 -Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people GreenHate Enterprises POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate. REFERENCES Glomgor Evil GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com Sloblor the Muck Monster GreenHate Enterprises sloblor@greenhate.com So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything. Sincerely, Steve Madonna stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com remember.....anything. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/942873935.html http://www.columbusracing.com/forums/showthread.php?t=62475 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Removed Posted February 25, 2009 Report Share Posted February 25, 2009 $7 SEX A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ODoyle Posted February 25, 2009 Report Share Posted February 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Nine Words Women Use 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house. 3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.) 5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7). 7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "F-- YOU!" 8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 9. 9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Main3s Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 Nine Words Women Use 1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house. 3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.) 5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7). 7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "F-- YOU!" 8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 9. 9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. I printed this, folded it up and put it in my wallet. So now if my G/F gives me shit I can reference the correct response. Good Stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iwashmycar Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 I printed this, folded it up and put it in my wallet. So now if my G/F gives me shit I can reference the correct response. Good Stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stangsn95gt Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 great thread, funny shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aesthetic_Influx Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Very nice Tim. I had lulz - many of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jizzle Juice Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 I got one! What do yiou call a babay mexican??? A paragraph cause he's not quite a essay!!!! lol And im not racist in anyway at all!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue98ls1 Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 (edited) 9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Anthony must have read and memorized this, because he does not believes me anytime I said "Nothing". Edited March 21, 2009 by wannaraceLS1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 2. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. 3. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. 4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. 5. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. 6. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. 7. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. 8. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. 9. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. 10. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 11. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 13. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. 18. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 19. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2009 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano? Yes, Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with? I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say. Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get? Four months vacation and five good leads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza. The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbboti Posted May 27, 2009 Report Share Posted May 27, 2009 $7 SEX A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7. Thats funny!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 Dividing numbers is just like women; if they're under 13, just do them in your head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED: One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ****************** My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?" I replied "Dust". And that's how the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and she is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale. And that's how the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... ************ ********* ********* ********* ****************** ************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ****************** *************** I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ****************** *************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started... ************* ********** ********** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' And that's how the fight got started..... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..' The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight got started.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy... You explain the kids.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted August 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 I made an appointment to see a urologist. It turns out it was a smoking-hot female just out of college and about 25 years old. Beautiful face great legs and ass and perfect upturned breasts. She immediately looked at me and said that I needed to stop masturbating. When I asked why she replied "Because I am trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brrcats Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding the net yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it! Of course you've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing , Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no it's called a Son of a Bitch fish." "Really? Well in that case,I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Fuckers are my kind of people!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating: 1- Remove your lap top from its bag 2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully 3- Turn on 4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching 5- Turn on the Internet 6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer 7- Take a deep breath and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html 8- Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 ohn was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills. Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian) Horse:"Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to, to protect me from the weather." Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep lie." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?" "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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