TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 One day in a small town Pastor Flapps was walking down the sidewalk next to the towns only bar. As he was walking by the bar he saw a lady from his congregation sitting at the bar drinking. He thought to himself, she must be having some trouble because drinking wasn't allowed in their religion. So he figured he would go in and see what was wrong. When he got inside he noticed that the woman was so drunk she could barely talk. Pastor Flapps walks up to the lady to ask her what was wrong. When he started to speak it frightened the woman and she fell off balance. On the way to the floor she reached up and barely caught a hold of Pastor Flapps' shirt and pulled him to the floor with her. Once they both hit the floor it just so happened that Pastor Flapps fell directly on top of the drunk woman. The bartender seeing all of this but hearing nothing leans over the bar and says, "HEY we do not allow that kind of stuff in this establishment!!" The Pastor looks up and says, "I don't think you understand Sir. I am Pastor Flapps!!" The Bartender looks back down at him and says, "Well if you're that far you might as well go ahead and finish!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 A plane leaves Los Angeles Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,... "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot,... "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests,... "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!",... the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?",... asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic",... the copilot responds. "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain,... "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Wattenberg no mattah... all same!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2009 A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her and says, Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples. She says, Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass. He laughs and says, Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then? She says, Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you. This is my final offer, he says, I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt. She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits. He yells, I'll kill him! She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction. She says, Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me! Her boyfriend stops and says, Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 A guy dies. In his will, he gives $10,000 to each of his three sons with the provision that they are to put the money in the casket when he's buried. The day of the funeral comes. The sons are at the casket. The first puts in an envelope, then confesses to the others, "I only put in $9K... I had to pay some bills." The second puts in his envelope, then confesses, "I only put in $5K... I bought a boat." The third son says, "I am shocked and disgusted by both of you. I wrote him a check for every penny!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorne Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 A guy dies. In his will, he gives $10,000 to each of his three sons with the provision that they are to put the money in the casket when he's buried. The day of the funeral comes. The sons are at the casket. The first puts in an envelope, then confesses to the others, "I only put in $9K... I had to pay some bills." The second puts in his envelope, then confesses, "I only put in $5K... I bought a boat." The third son says, "I am shocked and disgusted by both of you. I wrote him a check for every penny!" OMFG THAT WAS GREAT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2009 A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still f%@king that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87GT Posted September 21, 2009 Report Share Posted September 21, 2009 Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia .. 'Melbourne ', he tells her. 'So am I. What suburb?' she inquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Cameo street ' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 A good looking blonde takes a blouse into a dry cleaner. The little Asian lady who took her order says "Come Again" and the blonde replies "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosy bitch!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still. Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up. Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?' 'Yes, please, my Lord' God looks behind him, claps his hands and Calls out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2009 What's black & sits at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeve in a housefire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimTaylor751647545500 Posted November 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2 Sweet Posted November 18, 2009 Report Share Posted November 18, 2009 What's black & sits at the top of the stairs? Christopher Reeve in a housefire HAHAHAH nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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