Jokes

[SPL_Josh]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

 

 

 

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

 

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

 

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

 

 

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

 

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season."

 

 

 

 

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

 

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

 

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

 

 

 

 

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

 

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if

it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

 

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

 

 

 

 

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

 

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

 

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog.

"

 

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

 

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks.

When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

 

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me.

"

 

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

 

 

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor.

"

 

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

***************************

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

 

 

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

 

 

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

 

 

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

 

 

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

 

 

"Hi there," slurs the stranger.

"Can you give me a push?"

 

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

 

 

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.

" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed

and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

 

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please.

"

 

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

 

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.

"

******************************

An old guy's car collides with a young guy's car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

 

 

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days.

"

 

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man's crazy.

 

 

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune.

"

 

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren't you having any?" asks the young guy.

 

 

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I'll wait for the police.

"