magifesq Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML1 of 1Choose a ThumbnailNo Thumbnail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magifesq Posted July 27, 2009 Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Today, I was mowing lawns for my summer job. I noticed next to me a shiny new corvette being washed by the owner. I gave a friendly wave, just as I heard a big clank as the mower blade shot a rock into the side of the car. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LilTuffGirl Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 so we go to the only nice condo place in huntington for a guy having a stroke, I walk in behind my partner and these people have this cute little dog who was trying to play. I laughed and gave him a pet on the head and tried to walk away.... He tried his hardest to hump my leg as I walked to his owner. hah What an image "how are you feeling now sir?" as the dog is humping away panting like crazy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fonzie Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered,"We are so gonna make pizza after this!" FML^ Ok that's funny, you can't blame someone for being hungry... Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George is all into making & eating sandwiches while having sex with his girlfriend?!? Wasn't it like corn beef, or something really nasty like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OsuMj Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 I remember that episode... my friends and i used to joke about being able to eat a hot pocket during the act... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 I remember that episode... my friends and i used to joke about being able to eat a hot pocket during the act... It's not bad enough to bring food into the act no no. Mj takes it a step further, by being able to eat during the act. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yotaman88210 Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Mj... I have lean pockets in my freezer... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disclaimer Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 I remember that episode... my friends and i used to joke about being able to eat a hot pocket during the act... 'Eat a hot pocket' - I think I just found my new favorite euphemism."Hey baby, why don't we go back to my place? You can lick my red rocket while I eat your hot pocket." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yotaman88210 Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Youre rocket is red? You might wanna get that checked out.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fonzie Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Or at least loosen your grip some! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Or at least loosen your grip some! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yotaman88210 Posted July 28, 2009 Report Share Posted July 28, 2009 Loosen the grip... Love it!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Assassin Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted July 29, 2009 Report Share Posted July 29, 2009 Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FMLToday, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FMLToday my boss sent out an email with the subject line - Urgent. He accidently left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FMLToday, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really fucking annoying." FMLToday, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could have sex with another guy. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, I went home with a guy I just met in a bar. I went to the bathroom real quick, and when I came out I was greeted by him with a 12 inch strap-on dildo on his head, and the words "I'm gonna fuck you like a unicorn." FMLToday, I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomcat0403 Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, I went home with a guy I just met in a bar. I went to the bathroom real quick, and when I came out I was greeted by him with a 12 inch strap-on dildo on his head, and the words "I'm gonna fuck you like a unicorn." FMLToday, I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. FMLDamn you i literally just hit crtl+c for the unicorn one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Damn you i literally just hit crtl+c for the unicorn oneits easier that way :wink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomcat0403 Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V4junkie Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Keep em coming guys, that site's blocked at work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SAMBUSA Posted August 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V4junkie Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Don't you give me that look, this day is dragging and these are hilarious... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop was hot so I flirted with him as much as I could. But when he came back to the car he still gave me a ticket. Feeling desperate I said, "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty girls", his response, "We don't". FMLouch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cypress Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FMLToday, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FMLToday, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChickOn2 Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Don't you give me that look, this day is dragging and these are hilarious...+1 Agreed... this day is slower than a box of hair. Please keep 'em coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SAMBUSA Posted August 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Don't you give me that look, this day is dragging and these are hilarious...+1 Agreed... this day is slower than a box of hair. Please keep 'em coming.That's gotta suck, I think I'm gonna take my daily nap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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