Hilarious

[20thGix]

I got this in an e-mail today and thought i would share. 99.9% of the time i get a long email or text thats supposed to be funny i never read it. But this time i was personally told to read it. By the end i was crying laughing. Surely its some chain email a few have probaly already seen but if you havent its definatley worth it!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,

pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it

against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give

this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer

in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of

bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the

while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4

inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute

really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so

as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one

second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my

eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,

with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my

legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid

getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not

let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my

sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for

their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now

regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[chevysoldier]

Omg i am dying over here. Bwahahahaha

[kitani2126]

that was the funniest thing I have read in a while. WOW!!

[Jst2fst]

this just made my nght a bit better

[davisw4089]

aw man I cant stop laughing that was great thanks for that

[20thGix]

I originally read that about noon today and still get a little chuckle 10 hrs later. Definatly one of the good ones.

[e-flores]

thanks for the laugh i really needed that one right now, thats one heck of an awesome read!

[Gooner]

brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always wondered what being tazed would be like

[wht_she_scorpion]

That was really funny, I can picture a couple of people doing that to themselves just because they are that stupid.