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Employee Handbook - 2004


Buck531

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Subject: UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK - 2004

 

 

DRESS CODE:

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we see

 

you wearing Prada running sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we

 

assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay

 

raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so

 

that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay raise. If

 

you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you

 

do not need a raise.

 

 

SICK LEAVE:

 

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of illness. If you are

 

able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

PERSONAL LEAVE:

 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

 

Saturday & Sunday.

 

 

TOILET BREAKS:

 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict

 

3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm

 

will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and

 

a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be

 

posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 

 

LUNCH BREAK:

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they

 

can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

 

balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for

 

lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

 

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive

 

employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,

 

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

 

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be

 

directed elsewhere.

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