Tool Identification Guide

[hpfiend]

Found this by accident and couldn't stop reading it- particularly can relate to the vise grips when welding and floor jack.

 

Tool Identification Guide

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we

are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

boxes containing tonneaus, soft tops, and leather upholstery kits.

 

HAND ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling

mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear

wheel.

 

PLIERS: An adjustable tool used to round off bolt heads.

 

CRESCENT WRENCH: See PLIERS

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future

becomes.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to rapidly transfer intense welding heat to the palm of

your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a

brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted

part you were drying.

 

WIRE BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them

somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar string calluses in about the time

it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: A device used for raising a vehicle off of the

ground. When RAISING - The first stopping point will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch below

the top of the Jack Stand. When LOWERING - The stopping point of the Jack

will ALWAYS be 1/2 inch above the height needed to remove the Jack.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used as a long lever with crushable

ends.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters caused by the above.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

 

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading

mayonnaise or peanut butter. Used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

PUTTY KNIFE: A shorter and wider version of a GASKET SCRAPER (above).

Who the heck uses putty anymore anyway ?

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is ten times harder than any known center punch or drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating the grease

that has built up on a harmonic balancer.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to

disconnect.

 

1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without

the handle.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used as a non-drifting drift to ALMOST

align motor-mount holes. Can also be used, as the name implies, to round off

Phillips screw heads.

 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid

from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your

battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Accurately called a

"drop" light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which

is not otherwise found under automobiles at night. Health benefits aside, its

main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that

105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the

Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat

misleading. Makes a tinkling sound and a whisp of smoke when splashed with

radiator coolant.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels

by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last

tightened 50 years ago by someone in Michigan or England and twists them off.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

TUBING CUTTER: A very accurate tool used to cut brake and fuel lines

exactly 1/2 inch too short.

 

6-FOOT STEEL TAPE: A long slender steel ribbon with inch marks. Steel

tapes ALWAYS break-away and bend downwards just before you reach the point to

which you are measuring.

 

BEAM-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening nuts

and bolts. Chief characteristic of using = The handle will ALWAYS contact

firewall or fender-well just BEFORE the required torque value is reached.

 

CLICK-TYPE TORQUE WRENCH: A long tool used for precisely tightening

nuts and bolts. May also be used as a very accurate and expensive BREAKER BAR

 

BREAKER BAR: A long tool for loosening and tightning nuts and bolts.

May substitute for TORQUE WRENCH. When used to tighten nuts and bolts, the

rule of thumb is "Thighten Until It Strips - Then Back It Off 1/4 Turn".

[Rotarded1647545491]

TROOF:

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is ten times harder than any known center punch or drill bit.

[Dave1647545494]

haha

[Guest Removed]

Good shit!

[AutoFreak57]

that's awesome

[Guest Scooter]

Here's a nice tool commercial for you guys out there:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/satisfaction

[ansonivan]

OSHA would have a field day with those girls... although they were wearing eye protection.... hmmm.