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Punctuation In The English Language

ImUrOBGYN

By ImUrOBGYN
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ImUrOBGYN

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Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about punctuation.

 

Kids, words are neat, pretty, and highly useful. But without the right combination of punctuation marks, they can be confusing, meaningless, and an endless spiral leading you hopelessly into the depths of Hell.

 

Luckily, I'm here to sort everything out for you, so that these grammatical temptresses don't weigh down your soul and doom you for all eternity.

 

Let's start with the comma, shall we?

 

The comma is the one of the most commonly used forms of punctuation, as well as the most diabolical. A comma is meant to denote a pause or change in thought. This is used when the new thought is not an entire sentence on its own, such as in the sentence "I like to feast on the tormented souls of the Damned, especially when they're screaming." The phrase "especially when they're screaming" is not a complete sentence on its own, and is simply attached to the previous phrase by a comma.

 

But wait, there's more.

 

Commas can also be used to separate items in a list. For example: "In Hell, many people spend eternity being eaten alive by maggots, vermin, locusts, and cockroaches." The commas in that sentence separate the items in the list from one another, much like the charred bones of the still-conscious Damned are often used, in Hell, to separate my laundry. Can't mix whites with brights.

 

But that's another lesson.

 

For now, let's move on to the question mark.

 

These hook-shaped markings are used when one is requesting information. In fact, the symbol itself was made to resemble the razor-sharp hooks of my ghoulish minions who impale and vivisect any and all who dare ask for knowledge in Hell. Proper uses of the question mark would be in posing such questions as "Will my boiling eyeballs ever fully melt out of my skull?" or "Oh my God, can someone please make the fire ants leave my genitals alone?" Or even "What shall I wear today?" As you see, Kids, the question mark is incredibly useful.

 

Our final lesson today involves my personal favorite punctuation mark, the semicolon. Its many uses and meanings are obscure, mystical, and unholy, and improper use of the semicolon is one of the top three tickets to The Underworld.

 

So why would I spoil my fun by educating you today?

 

I'm not. Trust me, do yourself a favor and learn all you can about the semicolon. For whatever you do not learn in this life, you will be taught in the next. Hell is filled with the tortured wails of misery ringing merrily from the walls as hordes of puss-oozing demons spend eternity slowly peeling off the skin of burning souls while branding an encyclopedia of semicolon knowledge on their tongues one letter at a time.

 

You see, in Hell, education never ends. And there's no recess.

 

So remember, Kids, punctuation is important. Use it correctly, and you're a fine, upstanding citizen. Screw it up, and you're laughed at, ridiculed and riding the Midnight Train straight to Hell.

 

I'm Satan, see ya!

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