Cdubyah Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 How to Poop at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peo ple may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in astall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occur red. *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom..*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A grou p of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever....Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OFThe King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn'tcome until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it'sstill floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happensat someone else's house.The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moto-Brian Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 There's also the "Spray Bomb". That's where you think it is going to be solid and then all of a sudden, POW!! It lets loose and sprays the toilet bowl and up under the rim.Messy enough, you need a towel to wipe your back off... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted December 15, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 There's also the "Spray Bomb". That's where you think it is going to be solid and then all of a sudden, POW!! It lets loose and sprays the toilet bowl and up under the rim.Messy enough, you need a towel to wipe your back off...eeeewwww:nono: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yotaman88210 Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 There's also the "Spray Bomb". That's where you think it is going to be solid and then all of a sudden, POW!! It lets loose and sprays the toilet bowl and up under the rim.Messy enough, you need a towel to wipe your back off... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CleaveTheGreat Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
f4isvt Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 we usually kill the lights and send bottle rockets flying in the bathroom when you try to poop at my work. Or you get hit with the cheeta for those who dont know what it is it sets beads on tires. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Putty Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 I put paper all over my shoes so no one knows it me. I wear fancy shoes...dead giveaway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
e-flores Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 i dont know about you guys but i just poop at work..... i guess everyone here can be classified as the group that takes the newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flounder Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 We have a safe haven shitter but its on another floor so when we see someone. (Guy) headed for the stairs we know whats up. Always funning running into a colleague at the safe haven because we are all there to "unload" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flounder Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 I put paper all over my shoes so no one knows it me. I wear fancy shoes...dead giveaway.Thats because youre a fancy lad. :fruit: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomcat0403 Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rockstarhonda Posted December 15, 2008 Report Share Posted December 15, 2008 funny shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted December 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 funny shitI've never heard of that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeremygsxr Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 That's the one where the guy next to you sharts in his stall and it makes you giggle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kawi kid Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagr Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 Also remember a timely *Courtesy flush* can effectively mask the sound of a *jailbreak*or *Havanna Omlet*. The * Havanna omlet* is also know as the "Fire Hydrant" or "Cancun Coffee Maker". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copper1k Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 :lol: I still laugh at "poop".Great find! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeremygsxr Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 Farts are funny. I will be 80 years old and still laugh when I make a noise and or stink that someone has to smell.That was one of my daughters first sentences, "farts are funny, mamaw". Her g-ma is real religous and proper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moto-Brian Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 Also remember a timely *Courtesy flush* can effectively mask the sound of a *jailbreak*or *Havanna Omlet*. The * Havanna omlet* is also know as the "Fire Hydrant" or "Cancun Coffee Maker".Havanna Omlet and Cancun Coffee Maker have been officially stolen for use by me. AWESOME!!I also heard this - Buddy goes flying by on the way to the bathroom and we ask what's up? His response? "I've got one in the chamber!" Mad dash to the toilet. Thought it was good. Not Havanna good, but good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted December 16, 2008 Report Share Posted December 16, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RSVDon Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I'm pulling the resurrect card! This thread is too funny to not been seen again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 wow, a six month revive.....is that allowed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RSVDon Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 wow, a six month revive.....is that allowed?Well it either is or your thread gets locked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
that dude Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 i wipe my own ass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harb67 Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I love pooping at work. At my old job we had a term for it, we'd just go "hey be right back, D.O.C. time" and everyone knew that person was off to go take a deuce on the clock and get paid for it. Does life get better than that? Getting PAID to take a dump? I submit that it does not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.