sonavabeech Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 (Post from an old blog)I have written about taking a shit at work before. As you know, it is a art form. There are the turd burglars who come in just as you shit, the campers who camp out in the bathroom while you are poised to take a shit and never leave, hence leaving you cramped with quivering lip trying to hold back the impending doom that is a work shit. However today, I found something new... something so strange I can't even name it.This morning I concocted a deadly brew of an Everything Bagel with sour cream and chives cream cheese and a monster java energy drink and a 9 am meeting. By 10 am things had began to change in my body. At first I felt content, and full of energy. Then it happened. One deep rumble and I knew that something bad was going to happen. I endured the last of my meeting and headed to the bathroom. No one there, sweet! I check under the doors to be sure and head into the handicapable stall at the end of the long row. I take care of business quickly before I can be burglarized, throw in a courtesy flush for good measure and then I hear it. I long low Phisssssssshhhhh sound coming from behind my head. Then I feel something spray on my ass cheek. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!" I yell. Is there a tiny perfume lady in the toilet (really what if that was your job? what a shitty fucking job)? I fight the urge to jump up, and instead I peer over my right shoulder. There is a timed air freshener with a hose that runs into the toilet bowl.WTF Mate. WTF.Out loud I exclaim "oh no you didn't!" Just as I hear the "oh" come out of my mouth the bathroom door opens. In my mind my brain sends commands to my mouth to quickly close. Too late, there is a 404 error caused by the smell of bathroom air freshener. Unknown bathroom person has entered the room and has heard me. I hear a snicker of someone wondering why I just got all ghetto with a turd by shouting "oh no you didn't". I know they are wondering if I am about to take off my earrings and Vaseline my face and throw down. I am now trapped. I wait, it seems they are just peeing. I wait, they leave the stall, wash hands.... no door open. Crap. Checking make up. The seconds are years. Finally they leave. I wait for them to clear the hall and bolt. My ass smells like a mountain meadow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonavabeech Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 (Another old blog entry - I knew I'd find a use for these one day)For lunch I found my way to eat Indian food. I hurriedly ate my food and rushed back to the office for my 2 PM conference call with the HR Director of a very large and important county in California or something. I arrived at my desk with 15 mins to spare. I made a quick call to the sales rep to confirm the details of the call and while we were talking it hit me. The low rumbling belly pain that accompanies a very large chill bump shit (you know the one). Oh crap... I have to be on this call in like 8 mins and this thing is going to require a Reader Digest and a cigarette.I start the mental debate. Will it go away? Maybe if I hold my breath and rock in my chair it will leave the urgent zone and return to the holding pattern. I try for a second and notice that my top lip is now sweating. This requires immediate attention. Fuck. Besides that fact I hate shitting at work and I almost always get turd burglared, not to mention that you then have to sit and wait for the turd burglar to leave the bathroom before you make the walk of shame to the sink, I really don't have time for all of that.As if it understood my apprehension my stomach decided to make the choice for me and slapped me with a massive "YOU HAVE TO SHIT NOW FUCKTARD" cramp. With the choice made I made a break for the bathroom. I had 5 mins before my call and all that stood between me and the sweet relief was one little old lady fumbling with her hair in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Who just happens to be the little old lady who walks the halls on her lunch break and talks to everyone. Shit. I can just hear her now, her little old lady voice innocent and crackling in my mind "that Chinese girl with the fake red hair shat all over the bathroom... I was just standing there and she came running into the bathroom with a sweaty lip and her ass just blew up..." *I don't understand why any Asian is automatically Chinese. I'm vietnamese damn it!*I made up my mind I would not be turn burglared... not today damn it! I hit the handicap stall at the end (you know the one with the convenient handrails for applying the correct downward pressure for a speed shit).*Don't you hate it when your in the handicap stall and you see the wheels of a wheel chair or the legs of a walker approach?? When you're done, you get the stink eye for having used their stall...*And then... nothing. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?? Gas? Nope... wait... chill bump shit. Nice. I mock blew my nose to mask the flush of the courtesy flush (as if to say I am not taking a large shit, just blowing my nose, now I will pee and flush again). I finished my business quickly and made a break for the sink, no time for paper towels- 1 min to call. I quickly walk to my desk trying to look innocent knowing that I had pulled off the Mission Impossible, James Bond shit of a life time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grober Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Awesome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegame Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 :lol:nice.how about the AC Slayter? do you remember how he sits on every chair backwards? apply this style to the toilet. you can use the platform to rest your arms, head, reading material, etc... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC51 John Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FocusDave01 Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 ugg pooping last thing i want to think about after my surgery... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC51 John Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 ugg pooping last thing i want to think about after my surgery...I hope everything went okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fusion Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I hope everything came out alright. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gsxr750girl Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NinjaNick Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I know someone that was racing and got impaled by a fence post and ripped open. They drank liquids and starved themselves and had to lay on stomach for weeks. You talking about PAIN! Ouch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbrjess0815 Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 Thats a buzz kill nick.. For real lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RSVDon Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I know someone that was racing and got impaled by a fence post and ripped open. They drank liquids and starved themselves and had to lay on stomach for weeks. You talking about PAIN! Ouch.FO REAL! Why the hell you gotta come in this happy poop thread with that?Next question, is NinjaNick a ninja pooper? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonavabeech Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 fo real! Why the hell you gotta come in this happy poop thread with that?Next question, is ninjanick a ninja pooper?ruiner of the happy poop thread!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheezle Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I go when I gotta go and wherever I am at Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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