Stupid Athiests

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The Myth of Jesus

 

 

Coincidentally born on christmas day in the year 0 A.D. to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") hatched out of a chocolate egg (as all Jews are) in a barn because his step-dad, Joseph, was typical too cheap to get a room that night for his 9 month pregnant wife. Three guys with incest, gold and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem, where Jesus was located, because they heard he was the Jew King hatchling, and they were in deep trouble with their taxes.

Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity.

As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first Raver also. And he also taught that people should live without many possessions - and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them - which also made him the first commie. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all douchebags.

In 33 AD Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Romans off by BAAAWWWing at them for losing his iPod. The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood, where he died (lol pwned). Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they don't care about. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifiction claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection.