Divorce with children

[Zx2guy19]

Damn, these stories make me so thankful mine ended the way it did. I own quite a few rentals and the personal house and I kept it all. Wrote her a check for a small amount and haven't heard from her since.

 

We did try marriage counseling, and I personally thought it worked. When she told me she wanted to leave, I was a bit surprised because I was pretty happy (6 months before I was fucking miserable). She said she just never regained the spark she had before it went downhill and couldn't get her mind away from thinking we just weren't meant to be. Moved out 2 weeks later and dissolution was finalizing 4 months after that (only because we waited 8 weeks to file it because it was around the holidays).

 

Good luck man- kids can complicate things from everything I've heard but I 100% agree with the others- leave your soon to be ex out of it and just enjoy your time with them. Hopefully she doesn't use them against you, that's terrible.

[coltboostin]

....

 

Your a big man for leaving it all out there. Props' sir.

 

As he said, its work no matter what- and kids compound it especially if you dont have family help. But with kids in the picture, you want to do MORE than everything to make it work.

 

I love my wife, and luckily we have made it though bumps that were 100% my fault. I was a pretty shitty husband the first few year but I am 200% thankful we dint give up. 8 years later now with 2 kids, time together kid free is at such a premium. I can recognize 95% of her stress is because she is with kids all day (she also watched kids int he neighborhood) and if they are being little pricks, there is no outlet. He parents are turds and no help. I take care of my mother financially after her stroke, so she is no help. And my Dad is fully capable but his crazy new wife makes him useless. Any time away without kids costs us $10hr minimum. That all sucks, and it adds stress before I get out of bed every day.

 

That being said, you always have to look at what the stress is, and try to find a way to relieve it. Sometimes, it cant be "removed" but as Kirk suggested, he took to running too "relieve" it. Start at the beginning- go back to what brought you too together. Find the common bond and focus on the good. You HAVE To have time as a COUPLE, not as mom and DAD. both bonds have to be strong.

 

 

Also as Kirk mentioned-try everything before you give up!

[HotCarl]

...

 

Damn Kirk, that sounds like literal hell on earth but much respect to you for keeping your head on straight through it.

 

I have had friends (some of them pretty young) go through really ugly divorces and it just blows my mind that at one point in time all of these guys (and girls) were so happy together and I'm sure they never imagined their relationship deteriorating to what it had become. That's one reason I stayed single so long, and I'm thankful for that.

 

To the OP, surprisingly CR has responded to your post with some solid, mature advice (surprise!) good luck to you.

[BStowers023]

I've been successful at just about everything, except my marriage. Divorce was the hardest choice I've ever made, and the biggest struggle of my life. But I learned what I was capable of. I did everything possible to make it work---multiple rounds of counseling, both individual and with her. Made tons of changes with work, helping her more, etc etc. took her back after cheating (who knows how many times), and finally she said "I'm not leaving my boyfriend, you can do what you want".

 

So I hired the best attorney, and told her to pack her shit. I had to pay for her attorney, and split all assets 50/50. But I didn't have to pay alimony after 10 years of marriage, and most importantly, I have my kids 50%---although I pay a ton of child support even though she had to go back to work--don't ask. Turns out it was the best decision I ever made. I was absolutely miserable and it simply wasn't going to work. People change over time and the kids, although they are absolutely incredible, will make people change as well, and put stress on a relationship. Financially, I fully recovered in 3 years, and am better off even with paying child support. Most importantly, my kids see me happy, and not fighting with my ex. I've got more help with my surgical practice so I can be active in their lives and get to go to all their games, take them to school, etc.

 

It breaks my heart that my kids have to go from house to house, but there was literally nothing more I could do. I have them for a week at a time, and then they switch on mondays after school. Marriage takes two people willing to work, in order to be healthy. If it's an absolute necessity, then file---keep the kids out of it. Don't ever talk badly about your ex to the kids---one of my 9 year olds has already figured my ex out. I will never have to say a word about what happened, not that it matters in the long run. I've buried the hatchet with her boyfriend (she's still with him), as he actually did me a huge favor. At 40, I can now find someone to be happy with, and have. I could go on and on. Some of the shit that happened during my divorce was literally nuts---I can laugh about it now, but at the time it sucked. Kids are resilient. If you raise them in a healthy environment and make things consistent between both households, it will work out. It's not ideal, but kids raised in an environment where the arguing is constant, is just as unhealthy for them---and you.

 

You will likely have to pay child support and alimony. It is what it is. I didn't, because she was living with her boyfriend. I'm in Wisconsin, and it's a no-fault state, which means they don't give a shit if you cheat---doesn't affect child support, etc. but in my case it eliminated alimony. I was lucky to get 50/50, given the fact my kids were young, she was a stay-at-home (obviously not entirely!) mom, and the nature of my job (being on call,etc). You will want your kids to have access to the same lifestyle at her household---which is why I pay so much child support. Don't try to hide assets/etc. a good lawyer will find ALL of that money, roll it up into the shape of a Louisville slugger, and proceed to fuck you in the ass with it in front of the judge. Then he will remind you that you're paying him with money that could go to your kids.

 

In the end, I was able to settle out of court and avoid a costly trial. Like I said, I had to pay for everything to fight both sides of the divorce. EveryThing. It took 9 months. During the divorce, the kids stayed in the house the entire time, and we had separate apartments we used when we weren't with the kids. It was again, costly, but it eliminated any risk of me being kicked out of my own house during the divorce because she was the stay at home mom, and this was the kids environment. It's called a nesting arrangement, and if you can swing it, definitely do it. It will make 50/50 custody much, much easier for you to get, if that's what you want, and it should be. Once I spent 6 months with that set up, and proved I could succeed at 50/50, there was no fighting it from her or her lawyer. When she realized she was getting no alimony, and threatened to go for more custody, 6 months into the divorce, my lawyer told hers to "bring it".

 

Good luck. This was a period where I also got into running and triathlons to burn off the stress. I recommend some form of similar stress relief. It saved me, and I still run almost everyday. I hated running growing up

 

 

Damn, man that's horrible

 

 

I've never been married or really even gotten close to marriage but can anyone explain why the male in the relationship holds the burden of the cost in 95% of these cases and still ends up getting fucked? Is it a money thing, where as whoever makes more money in the marriage owes the other $X amount or is literally based off of gender (Srs question because I honestly don't know)? Is there a reason that the female tends to typically be favored in a custody battle? Could a prenup avoid a lot of these types of issues, at least money wise? Maybe someone can chime in, but I think these are good Q and As for anyone who might be getting married soon on what things to consider if things go south.

[Jewtoys]

Damn, man that's horrible

 

 

I've never been married or really even gotten close to marriage but can anyone explain why the male in the relationship holds the burden of the cost in 95% of these cases and still ends up getting fucked? Is it a money thing, where as whoever makes more money in the marriage owes the other $X amount or is literally based off of gender (Srs question because I honestly don't know)? Is there a reason that the female tends to typically be favored in a custody battle? Could a prenup avoid a lot of these types of issues, at least money wise? Maybe someone can chime in, but I think these are good Q and As for anyone who might be getting married soon on what things to consider if things go south.

 

 

 

Not getting married solves these issues.

 

 

 

Good luck to the OP, as others have suggested. I would delete this thread.

[SpaceGhost]

Knock on wood, 16 years this month and counting. The struggle is real.

[BStowers023]

So far what I've taken from this thread is... Never get married and adopt

[kirks5oh]

Damn, man that's horrible

 

 

I've never been married or really even gotten close to marriage but can anyone explain why the male in the relationship holds the burden of the cost in 95% of these cases and still ends up getting fucked? Is it a money thing, where as whoever makes more money in the marriage owes the other $X amount or is literally based off of gender (Srs question because I honestly don't know)? Is there a reason that the female tends to typically be favored in a custody battle? Could a prenup avoid a lot of these types of issues, at least money wise? Maybe someone can chime in, but I think these are good Q and As for anyone who might be getting married soon on what things to consider if things go south.

 

my fiancé was in a situation similar to mine, in terms of the way her marriage ended. only she was pregnant with twins, how shitty is that?. she's got an incredible career, and has over 50% custody at this time---5 years later. but she has to pay HIM child support because of her income. basically, the court wants the kids to have an equal lifestyle at each household. if you look at it from the child's perspective, it makes sense. why is it fair that the kids have access to everything at one household, and not the other. is it fair, I have to pay her a ton of money each month, only to have her spend a ton on herself, car, house, boyfriend, boyfriend's daughter??? no, that's not fair, but I don't have any control over that---to fester over that will drive you nuts. I've resolved the issue, she will never pay for college, etc.

 

everything earned as a group during the marriage gets split 50/50 depending on the state. the house, the cars, the savings, etc. if you owned the house before the marriage, then you get it. its not always cut and dry, but that is the basic premise.

 

a pre-nup helps, and it was an odd discussion, but my fiancé was the one who mentioned getting one---it protects the kids as well.

 

 

bottom line---if there's any chance at saving the marriage, that's my recommendation. a bitter divorce sucks. to say "we are sick of each other" is not enough in my opinion--but every case is different. if there's been infidelity, that could be an absolute deal breaker. I learned that for me, once the trust has been broken, I can never give that trust back.

[Geeto67]

Damn, man that's horrible

 

 

I've never been married or really even gotten close to marriage but can anyone explain why the male in the relationship holds the burden of the cost in 95% of these cases and still ends up getting fucked? Is it a money thing, where as whoever makes more money in the marriage owes the other $X amount or is literally based off of gender (Srs question because I honestly don't know)?

 

These days it is a money thing. You could get into a large discussion about how women generally earn less then men in the work place (if they work at all) and how that affects the settlement and assets in a divorce, but for the time being let's keep is simple: Alimony is the amount you pay to the spouse who is making less money so that they can maintain their standard of living. Child Support is the amount paid to the spouse who is making less money so that the children do not suffer a decrease in their standard of living (at least in the things that money can affect).

 

Oversimplifying math example: If jointly you and your wife earn $150K a year and you get divorced and she earns $50K a year and you earn $100K a year, you will pay your spouse $25K a year in alimony, half of $150K is $75K - you have to make up the difference between her $50K and the $75K she was entitled to when you were married.

 

It isn't intuitive to think so because of how much emotion is tied up in it but think of marriages like businesses bound by contracts. There are employees and roles, and responsibilities, and when the relationship ends those things don't go away, so the assets are usually distributed evenly, and the responsibilities by who had them in the marriage.

 

Is there a reason that the female tends to typically be favored in a custody battle?

 

There used to be, and in some cases it may still cut that way despite laws to the contrary, but it has a lot more to do with the roles people play in a marriage. The courts usually favor the primary caregiver. In a lot of cases this is the stay at home parent, usually wife since stay at home husbands are rare but increasing. As Kirk said before it is always in the best interests of the child and usually that means continuity of care, and usually that is the female in the relationship.

 

Could a prenup avoid a lot of these types of issues, at least money wise?

 

yes. Money, child custody, all of it. If you look at marrage like a partnership created by contract, then a prenup is the part of the contract that contains the terms of how the partnership ends

[Mace1647545504]

I'm not going to read all the replies, but divorce sucks especially when kids are involved.

You don't have to hide your stuff because child supports is based on incomes, yours and hers. There is a formula and unless she agrees to it , it can not be changed.

As far as possessions, she knows the same people i.e parents, siblings, close friends and if you put your stuff in their name she will drag them into it.

Also don't forget any retirement money she will be entitled to 50% unless she agrees to a reduction.

 

Good luck

mace

[coltboostin]

As far as possessions, she knows the same people i.e parents, siblings, close friends and if you put your stuff in their name she will drag them into it.

 

 

You cant track cash playa

[coltboostin]

So far what I've taken from this thread is... MARY THE RIGHT ONE

 

 

Fixed. Not to take anything aware from adopting, but there is NOTHING in this world, NOTHING- like seeing and interacting with your offspring every day- a little nugget that looks like you, act like you, and wants nothing more than to be you when they grow up. And this is coming from a guy that lived about the most vigorous single give zero fucks lifestyle one can live.

 

As for the women, people my age can only find decent women via E-dating. Nothing wrong with that- but no women worth being around after 30 doesn't come with baggage. The good ones are taken, and the ones that have no kids, and have never been married, are 100% guaranteed to have a malfunction of some sort. If you are OK with being a loaner, or a Yolo single guy int he dating scene, you eventually be that" weird old guy" at the bar. Its inevitable.

 

There are pros and cons to everything in life, and marriage is not for everyone. But having a real life long teammate at your side that happens to have Dat Killa' makes a lot of sense long term.

[kirks5oh]

Fixed. Not to take anything aware from adopting, but there is NOTHING in this world, NOTHING- like seeing and interacting with your offspring every day- a little nugget that looks like you, act like you, and wants nothing more than to be you when they grow up. And this is coming from a guy that lived about the most vigorous single give zero fucks lifestyle one can live.

 

As for the women, people my age can only find decent women via E-dating. Nothing wrong with that- but no women worth being around after 30 doesn't come with baggage. The good ones are taken, and the ones that have no kids, and have never been married, are 100% guaranteed to have a malfunction of some sort. If you are OK with being a loaner, or a Yolo single guy int he dating scene, you eventually be that" weird old guy" at the bar. Its inevitable.

 

There are pros and cons to everything in life, and marriage is not for everyone. But having a real life long teammate at your side that happens to have Dat Killa' makes a lot of sense long term.

 

this. totally. especially the part about women over 30 having kids, and/or baggage. men are no different. I had to take into account any potential gf would have to be with my 3 kids 50% of the time and deal with my jealous ex. its a lot to ask, but it is what it is. when I'm not with the kids, we travel, live it up, etc etc. that recharges me for another week of running around like crazy with the kids. wouldn't have it any other way at this point, given the fact divorce was inevitable for me

[Lauren]

I just want to say I truly appreciate all your insight to everybody contributing. If I didn't have kids i woulda been out a long time ago. However I love my girls way to much to be a part time dad with some other douche around them. Who knows what kind of sick fuck she would eventual date and I don't need that stress. I've told Ber I'm committed to trying to work things out and make a go of kt.

 

The hard part is besides kids we also own our business 50/50. So one of us would have to either buy the other out or we would have to co exist in a business relationship together which would be even more hell. She almost cost me a client over the weekend with her bitch ass attitude towards my client. This is a lady that spends 70k+ a year with me.

[Mace1647545504]

You cant track cash playa

 

she know the cash you have as she has the same cash and if you sell something too cheap she will get an appraisal of it's real value and you'll pay that amount

[-Alex-]

I just want to say I truly appreciate all your insight to everybody contributing. If I didn't have kids i woulda been out a long time ago. However I love my girls way to much to be a part time dad with some other douche around them. Who knows what kind of sick fuck she would eventual date and I don't need that stress. I've told Ber I'm committed to trying to work things out and make a go of kt.

 

The hard part is besides kids we also own our business 50/50. So one of us would have to either buy the other out or we would have to co exist in a business relationship together which would be even more hell. She almost cost me a client over the weekend with her bitch ass attitude towards my client. This is a lady that spends 70k+ a year with me.

 

$70,000 a year to do the boot scootin boogie?!

[BStowers023]

If I knew you better I'd take you to a strip club

[Lauren]

$70,000 a year to do the boot scootin boogie?!

 

I have w client that spends six figures

[Geeesammy]

Man i was 80% against marriage before this thread now im more like 98% against it.

 

In all seriousness can I get a prenup that basically outlines how a divorce settlement would go down if it ever happened? Like "this, this and this is his and he keeps all of his income (assuming no kids)"?

[Jewtoys]

Man i was 80% against marriage before this thread now im more like 98% against it.

 

In all seriousness can I get a prenup that basically outlines how a divorce settlement would go down if it ever happened? Like "this, this and this is his and he keeps all of his income (assuming no kids)"?

 

Just don't get married.

 

Unless you're extremely religious, or need that piece of paper. There's absolutely zero difference between a serious committed relationship.

 

I dated someone for 8 years, who knew I never wanted children or to get married. Around the 8 year mark, she realized I was never changing my mind, and not wanting children became a problem for her. I cut my losses, and walked right out of that relationship. No point to drag shit on, till it gets ugly. It's easy to see the writing on the wall, and for some people. They wait till the last possible second to make moves, at this point everyone hates each other, and things get nasty.

 

 

I could only imagine being in that type of situation with children. That has to be extremely tough,miserable, and beyond stressful. Kudos to you guys/gals who stick it out for your kids. Although ultimately they probably are better off not being around two parents, who are constantly miserable and at each others throats.

 

 

 

It seems so many people get married, and have kids, just because it's what their peers are doing and just go through the motions, and end up miserable in the end. Divorce rates are through the roof. I've been dating someone for four years, both successful, and have the same outlook on not having children, or getting married. So many of our married friends, are unhappy and stay in the situation for financials reasons, or various other selfish reasons.

 

I cannot predict the future, nor can anyone here. Could never put myself into a situation, where if things go sour, you're on the hook for so much negative impact that will haunt you for years to come. Life's way too short for that nonsense.

[coltboostin]

she know the cash you have as she has the same cash and if you sell something too cheap she will get an appraisal of it's real value and you'll pay that amount

 

So if there is a box stuffed to the gills in an undisclosed location, please tell me how one would know whats in it?

 

 

J

I dated someone for 8 years, who knew I never wanted children or to get married. Around the 8 year mark, she realized I was never changing my mind, and not wanting children became a problem for her. I cut my losses, and walked right out of that relationship.

 

 

So who's the real asshole? The girl that wanted to make it work, or the guy that strung her along? If she wanted kids, and you didn't, why string her along? 8 years is a LONG time to wait around for someone, and any woman who was actually worth being around would not stick around for 8 years for your good company LOL

 

. when I'm not with the kids, we travel, live it up, etc etc. that recharges me for another week

 

 

 

The one bright side of shared custody LOL. Like I said. pros and cons to everything. One of my wife's friends who co-parents told my wife she does not want 100% custody because she likes to have her weekends off. Sounds fucked up, but I get it.

[RC K9]

The one bright side of shared custody LOL. Like I said. pros and cons to everything. One of my wife's friends who co-parents told my wife she does not want 100% custody because she likes to have her weekends off. Sounds fucked up, but I get it.

 

Welcome to the age of broken families and shitty parenting.

 

Everyone needs a break, date night, occasional long weekend; but fk me if I am happy about splitting custody of my children and being happy about it because I get big long breaks. At that point, your kid a a trophy to show off and please you. When you are done, pawn it off on someone else. If that's the mentality, you shouldn't have kids in the first place.

 

Schools raise our kids, daycares raise our kids, babysitters raise our kids, grandparents raise our kids. Parents no longer raise their kids.

[RC K9]

What saddens me, (but unfortunately doesn't shock me) is how many people read stories like these (not just in this thread, but everywhere) and what comes to mind is, "So, I guess I shouldn't get married then, or get and uber awesome prenup."

[SpaceGhost]

 

Schools raise our kids, daycares raise our kids, babysitters raise our kids, grandparents raise our kids. Parents no longer raise their kids.

 

Yuuuuuuge generalization, I disagree, I don't let the bad few skew the majority. Sure I know a couple of questionable parents and their methods, but the vast majority I know put in effort and time. I see many at school functions, sports, recreational activities, and other places. Sometimes we joke we see each other just as much as we see our family.

[Geeto67]

Welcome to the age of broken families and shitty parenting

 

Actually we live in the best age for marriage right now. The divorce rate reached a 40 year low in 2016 while the marriage rate is increasing. Your chances for divorce are still around 50/50 but that isn't a hard rule and depends on a low of factors (the chances of staying together goes up the richer you are for example).

https://www.google.com/amp/amp.timeinc.net/time/4575495/divorce-rate-nearly-40-year-low/%3Fsource%3Ddam

 

There are other factors that suggest this as well, like the spousal violence murder rate has gone down.

 

People get all nostalgic about the old days when social stigmas forced unhappy to stay together but really as we move toward a more morally liberated society that doesn't condem cohabitation and sex before marriage and a broader way to meet people to date, it is giving marriage a fighting chance.

 

Schools raise our kids, daycares raise our kids, babysitters raise our kids, grandparents raise our kids. Parents no longer raise their kids.

 

Schools have always raised our kids since this country was founded. Maybe there were more stay at home parents back in the good old days, but families were also larger and individual kids didn't get any more attention. My brother and I grew up in a household where both parents worked 12-14 hour shifts 6 days a week. I still feel raised by them even though they weren't as around as some of my friends parents. My mother was orphaned when she was 16, and raised by her brother, my father's parents both worked 7 days a week 12 hour shifts and was raised by hanging around his cousins that lived in the neighborhood. my grandfather and grandmother were each one of 11 kids in their families during the Great Depression and were raised in the jobs they had to get as kids help their family survive, like hundreds of thousands of others exactly like them in NYC. And don't forget, child abuse as an enforceable crime is really recent, people used to beat the shit out of their kids and often their spouses (and some still do).This notion that the good old days were the nuclear family where mom raised the kids and that is all gone is utter Horseshit.

 

Everybody is different, and only each person can know what's best for themselves and their children in any circumstance. The best we can do is offer our support, kindness, and compassion to those who need us as a community.