Dubguy85 Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and womendiffer so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Marsthing. I have never figured out why men think with their headand women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreadsto hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a womanenough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you justlove me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spendtime with her.We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while shetried on several different very expensive outfits.She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd justbuy them all.She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,"Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out apair of diamond earrings.Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought Iwas one wave short of a shipwreck.I started to think she was testing me because she asked for atennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of theexcitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I thinkthis is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, Idon't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with abaffled, "WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a manenough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not forthe things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at leastthat bitch knows I'm smarter than her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBRzach Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 lulz lulz lulz lulz lulz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
f4isvt Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 thats great Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OsuMj Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+womanhrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.JK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+womanhrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.JK awww how cute, she figured out how to use a computer... women these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OsuMj Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 lol.^ I'm learning shortened internet expressions too!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubguy85 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+womanhrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.JK Dang MJ....Ur good...How about...A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gsxr750girl Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OsuMj Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Dang MJ....Ur good...How about...A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. now THAT'S funny ... :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
f4isvt Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 anything that bleeds every 30 days and doesnt die still just aint right Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coyote Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 His & Her Diaries HER DIARY:Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep--- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^HIS DIARY: My bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 ^^ :lol: awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubguy85 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 The Black Bra (told by a woman)I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged,one is a mistress and I have beenmarried for 20+ years. We were chatting about ourrelationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting themat the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and amask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days toexchange notes.Here's how it all went.My engaged friend:The other night when my boyfriend came over hefound me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and amask. He saw me and said,'You are the woman of mydreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.The mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and Iwas wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heelsand mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat hedidn't say a word but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.Then I had to share my story:When my husband came home I was wearing the blackbra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.When he came in the door and saw me he said,'What's for dinner, Batman?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OsuMj Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 'What's for dinner, Batman?'knuckle sandwich. these are good jokes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dubguy85 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 knuckle sandwich. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Animals Don't Talk• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . . • Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" • Farmer: "Dogs don't talk." • Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?" • Dog: "Doing' alright." • Farmer: Look of shock. • Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer. • Dog: "Yep." • Biker: "How does he treat you?" • Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week." • Farmer: Look of total disbelief. • Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" • Farmer: "Horses don't talk." • Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?" • Horse: "Cool." • Farmer: Extreme look of shock. • Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer. • Horse: "Yessiree Bob." • Biker: "How's he treating you?" • Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." • Farmer: Total look of utter amazement. • Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" • Farmer: "The sheep is a liar." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrillo Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightRider Posted October 14, 2009 Report Share Posted October 14, 2009 I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.The moral of this story is:""Always keep your condoms in your car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Damn there are some good jokes in here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jporter12 Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Gravedigger strikes again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JStump Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 This whole thread = WIN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beegreenstrings Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 funny stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carwhore Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crf69 Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 His & Her Diaries HER DIARY:Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep--- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^HIS DIARY: My bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.omfg funny as fuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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