Can't figure this out? Men and women

[Dubguy85]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women

differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars

thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head

and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads

to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just

love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend

time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,

big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she

tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just

buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,

"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a

pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I

was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a

tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think

this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I

don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a

while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for

the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least

that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

[CBRzach]

lulz lulz lulz lulz lulz

[f4isvt]

thats great

[OsuMj]

http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+woman

hrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.

JK

[wrillo]

http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+woman

hrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.

JK

awww how cute, she figured out how to use a computer... women these days.

[OsuMj]

lol.

^ I'm learning shortened internet expressions too!!!!

[Dubguy85]

http://www.ohio-riders.com/showthread.php?t=20412&highlight=emotional+woman

hrmmm.... but men are smarter than women, so you already knew that.

JK

Dang MJ....Ur good...

How about...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[gsxr750girl]

[OsuMj]

Dang MJ....Ur good...

How about...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

now THAT'S funny ...

:D :D

[f4isvt]

anything that bleeds every 30 days and doesnt die still just aint right

[Coyote]

His & Her Diaries

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep--- I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

HIS DIARY:

My bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[wrillo]

^^ :lol: awesome!

[Dubguy85]

The Black Bra (told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged,one is a mistress and I have been

married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our

relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them

at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a

mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to

exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he

found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a

mask. He saw me and said,'You are the woman of my

dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I

was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels

and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he

didn't say a word but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black

bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[OsuMj]

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

knuckle sandwich.

these are good jokes...

[Dubguy85]

knuckle sandwich.

[wrillo]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[wrillo]

Animals Don't Talk

• While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .

• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."

• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

• Dog: "Doing' alright."

• Farmer: Look of shock.

• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.

• Dog: "Yep."

• Biker: "How does he treat you?"

• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."

• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.

• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."

• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

• Horse: "Cool."

• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.

• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.

• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."

• Biker: "How's he treating you?"

• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.

• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

[wrillo]

[NightRider]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:""Always keep your condoms in your car.

[chevysoldier]

Damn there are some good jokes in here!

[jporter12]

Gravedigger strikes again!

[JStump]

This whole thread = WIN

[Beegreenstrings]

funny stuff!

[Carwhore]

lol

[crf69]

His & Her Diaries

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.

He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep--- I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

HIS DIARY:

My bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

omfg funny as fuck