Jokes

[Zecho]

Obviously copy/paste but I laughed...

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass.

JOKE OF THE DAY

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7."Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[flounder]

Nice

[Disclaimer]

Lol

[Casper]

[yotaman88210]

ha, good shits.

[jhaag]

+1

.."cancer"......thats fucked up.....lol...

[Angrish]

How do you get an old women to say FUCK!!

yell BINGO!!!

[VMX12C]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Ya, that was me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention":

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
   
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
   
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
   
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
   
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but ...according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[kawi kid]

^^^^^ love it

[VMX12C]

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[RC51 John]

:lol:

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[RC51 John]

OVERWORKED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much

pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

* The population of this country is 237 million.

* 104 million are retired.

* That leaves 133 million to do the work.

* There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the

work.

* Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

* 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do

the work.

* Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and

City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

* At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving

1,212,000 to do the work.

* Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

* That leaves just two people to do the work.

* You and me.

* And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[VMX12C]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[Kip Drordy]

A boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between 'confident' and 'confidential?'"

The Dad replies, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."

[VMX12C]

Broke Down Biker:

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would w alk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[MadMax33]

Why wouldn't John F. Kennedy have made a good boxer?

Because he couldn't take a shot to the head.

What has four wheels and flies?

A dead cripple in a wheelchair.

What's 10 inches long and makes women scream?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

[Disclaimer]

^----- so un-PC

Hilarious!

The last one is like a 'dead baby' joke.

Like, what's the difference between a Ferrari and 200 dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

How do you keep a baby from crawling in a circle?

Nail it's other hand to the floor

[RVTPilot]

A child molester is walking into the woods with a yound lad, when the boy exclaims "Man! The sun's going down and it's getting dark and spooky around here. I'm scared" To which the molester replies "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

[MadMax33]

What's the difference between unloading a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? You can use a pitch fork with the dead babies.

How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off its head and let it rise to the surface.

What's 12 inches long and white? Nothing.

[John]

whats a vagina?

its the box a penis cums in

[jeremygsxr]

Wife says, "I have a headache."

Husband says, "Good, I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository."

[MadMax33]

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake.

What's the fastest animal in the world? Ethiopian chicken.

What's one thing you never see in Ethiopia? After-dinner mints.

[VMX12C]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks: "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"

The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."

Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."