JaSSon Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 I got this from an e-mail my father sent me. It's fucking hilarious. Read on. Subject: Chili Contest If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook Off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: ----------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild. Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy sh--, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ----------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN Judge #1 - Excellent, firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge #2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill; my nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. --------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice, Disappointing. Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? --------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 - Ho, hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 - This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor fellow, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge #3 - No report Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad is Dead Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 I chuckled a couple times.....#7 was the best........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NTHER91 Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 omf that was the best perfect end to today thumbs up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desperado Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 Totally fucking priceless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lustalbert Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 Teh WIN! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grease monkey Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 pretty funny!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
desperado Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 This reminds me of the time I offended the waitress at the the Chinese place. I told her pork fried mice (rice) with extra meat and medium spice. I realized my tounge slip, and applogized and corrected myself. But it was too late. She brought out this plate of fried rice, complete with depleted uranium silverware, so it wouldn't melt their stainless steel stuff and sat it down. It smelled a little hot, but not having enough sense (and being bullheaded) I began to eat. My wife is sitting across from me and had ordered WarSuGai which has NO spice in it, and the oder from mine was making hers too hot for her to eat. I will say that after the 5th or 6th bite, It didn't get any hotter, becasue I couldn't taste any more. Sweat poured, ears rang, sinuses cleared and nose ran. I continued to eat. The waitress came over, You Like?? You Like??? Not Too Hot?? Oh, NO not at all, it's good (last words of a dying man, too bullheaded to send it back) I ate better than half of it, took the rest home and ate a bit more, but even the dog wouldn't touch the stuff. When I threw it away I forgot about the raccoon's that tended to get into the trash, I found two of them dead, seems they had been into the fried rice. Of course I wasn't looking forward to the trip to the throne room, and rightfully so. I am pretty sure that had the EPA caught me putting that into a public sewer system, I would have been arrested. But what the hell, it wasn't THAT hot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crash1647545504 Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 I want some Chili. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morabu Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 ^^ +1 ^^ that had me laughing hard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiji ST Posted September 20, 2005 Report Share Posted September 20, 2005 I shouldn't have read this in the library. I think about 30 people were looking at me because I was laughing to hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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