sonavabeech Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 Dear Employee,As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments in yourarea, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting theretention of younger people who will represent our future. Therefore, aprogram to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, viaretirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of theiremployment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phaseof the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of RetiredElderly Workers).All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:HERPES (Half Earning for Retirement Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels they do not receiveenough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor isspecially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.And once again, thanks for the countless years of service with us!Have a great day!Human Resources Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweezel Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 wow, I think I've been through that company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r6jess Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtremef4i Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 Thats funny. Im going to run this policy by our HR dept and see if we can implement this too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbrjess0815 Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 lol, thats awesome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon_SV650 Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 nice, i have been there... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DLN1223 Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kawi kid Posted November 1, 2008 Report Share Posted November 1, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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