Job/Girlfriend Question

[flounder]

it's not wrong, your not married but i wouldn't keep it from her. she will find out some how. then she will maybe wonder about a lot of things like should i break up with him, is this relationship going anywhere after 5 yrs, can i trust him, what else is he keeping from me? then you gotta ask, yourself is it worth it.

I would tell her straight out what you want.

His salary should have no impact on how she feels and if it does, there are bigger issues at hand. When/If he tells her, the only thing she should say its, thats nice, congrats. If there is any talk about how they can start to do thing differently because of the new money, then once again I say, there are bigger issues at hand.

[Gump]

Well said

[AOW]

don't ask don't tell. If she asks the direct question of whether or not you got a raise, then give her a direct answer (yes). Don't surrender info about money to a girlfriend EVER.

[troyec001]

I don't think it's wrong not to tell her but I'd tell her. Make sure you hold your ground on how you feel tho. If you don't feel secure enough with your finances to marry and get a house then don't. If she doesn't understand it then it's better to find out now then it is to find out after you get the ring and house. More paperwork.

[PrincessPratt]

You dont need to tell her how much you make, your doing the right thing by not wanting to "live above your means", women like to spend ever cent they encounter.

Hey there...now I don't think that is a fair statement. You're generalizing sir. I have NEVER asked a man for money nor do I need to. However I do think it is important to know how much a man makes IF you are starting to get serious with him. When a person ages they start to see what is important in life. I would want to make sure he could "hold his own" if you will if we were to have children down the road. I don't need someone to make as much as I do but it would be nice if he's not washing dishes at the local pub (unless he owned that local pub...lol). I'm not trying to be a snot but money does make the world go around. If one person has strived to have a better life financially by furthering their education or being an entrepreneur it would be nice to have an equal.

But for what it's worth a person should never live above their means. If I were to get remarried I would never buy a house unless at least one of us could pay the mortgage all by themselves. What if someone lost their job, got injured...etc etc. That's why there have been so many foreclosures lately. They bought a house with 2 incomes and was living pay check to pay check. Then one person unfortunately lost their job and they were unable to pay their bills. I know I'm getting much deeper than this guy wanted but these are all important things to think about. These are things you may want to discuss with your girlfriend IF you decide to come clean with her. Just b/c a person gets a substantial raise doesn't mean they should automatically spend more. A good job can be lost just as easily as it was gained. Just food for thought.

[AOW]

in summary, don't tell her.

[zerocrash]

Hey there...now I don't think that is a fair statement. You're generalizing sir. I have NEVER asked a man for money nor do I need to. However I do think it is important to know how much a man makes IF you are starting to get serious with him. When a person ages they start to see what is important in life. I would want to make sure he could "hold his own" if you will if we were to have children down the road. I don't need someone to make as much as I do but it would be nice if he's not washing dishes at the local pub (unless he owned that local pub...lol). I'm not trying to be a snot but money does make the world go around. If one person has strived to have a better life financially by furthering their education or being an entrepreneur it would be nice to have an equal.

But for what it's worth a person should never live above their means. If I were to get remarried I would never buy a house unless at least one of us could pay the mortgage all by themselves. What if someone lost their job, got injured...etc etc. That's why there have been so many foreclosures lately. They bought a house with 2 incomes and was living pay check to pay check. Then one person unfortunately lost their job and they were unable to pay their bills. I know I'm getting much deeper than this guy wanted but these are all important things to think about. These are things you may want to discuss with your girlfriend IF you decide to come clean with her. Just b/c a person gets a substantial raise doesn't mean they should automatically spend more. A good job can be lost just as easily as it was gained. Just food for thought.

Well said Sara. I couldn't agree more.

[ninjachk08]

[flounder]

Hey there...now I don't think that is a fair statement. You're generalizing sir. I have NEVER asked a man for money nor do I need to. However I do think it is important to know how much a man makes IF you are starting to get serious with him. When a person ages they start to see what is important in life. I would want to make sure he could "hold his own" if you will if we were to have children down the road. I don't need someone to make as much as I do but it would be nice if he's not washing dishes at the local pub (unless he owned that local pub...lol). I'm not trying to be a snot but money does make the world go around. If one person has strived to have a better life financially by furthering their education or being an entrepreneur it would be nice to have an equal.

But for what it's worth a person should never live above their means. If I were to get remarried I would never buy a house unless at least one of us could pay the mortgage all by themselves. What if someone lost their job, got injured...etc etc. That's why there have been so many foreclosures lately. They bought a house with 2 incomes and was living pay check to pay check. Then one person unfortunately lost their job and they were unable to pay their bills. I know I'm getting much deeper than this guy wanted but these are all important things to think about. These are things you may want to discuss with your girlfriend IF you decide to come clean with her. Just b/c a person gets a substantial raise doesn't mean they should automatically spend more. A good job can be lost just as easily as it was gained. Just food for thought.

For all your stuff in bold.. for you, you need to ask a guy how much he makes before ever going on a date with them because your wasting their time if you dont based on what you said. If you love them then money shouldnt matter but like I said. From now on, go ahead and ask a guy what he makes and see how far it gets you.

[Cdubyah]

Found a shirt that said...

"Please tell me if I'm getting lucky later, so I don't spent half of my paycheck tonight"

[PrincessPratt]

For all your stuff in bold.. for you, you need to ask a guy how much he makes before ever going on a date with them because your wasting their time if you dont based on what you said. If you love them then money shouldnt matter but like I said. From now on, go ahead and ask a guy what he makes and see how far it gets you.

Aaron...geesh. You are taking this WAY out to context. I want a nice life and I am NOT going to apologize for that. So many marriages are ruined b/c of lack of money in the first place. Plus, I tend to be attracted to very driven, goal-oriented men anyway. Those types tend to have a heavier wallet. But u know what...my exhusband had a 2 year degree. He was an electrician. I made more than him. And I LOVED HIM VERY VERY MUCH. But when we got serious I did ask how much he made b/c I needed to know if I needed to cut back my hours for children would he be able to keep the house a float. That's just common sense aaron.

[flounder]

I know people that dont make much money at all and have 2-3 kids and they have found a way to make it just fine and be super happy doing it. Not to mention I have a friend that is a single mother with 3 kids and she doesnt make much money and provides great for her kids and is happy in life. I also know people that make a shit ton of money with no kids and dont have anything because all they do is spend.. So once again, it goes back to if you truly love someone, you find a way to make it work and money is not the main issue. At least for those people. You are obviously different. Not a bad thing but money is apparently a primary concern for you now so like I said, just ask the guy up front how much he makes before wasting his time on a date. If at any point you feel you need to ask them how much they make, then you need to do it before investing your time or their time.

Edited December 30, 2008 by flounder

[cbrjess0815]

I hardly think a fat wallet is a prerequisite for a relationship. If there is something in my life that I cannot acquire on my own on my own salary, I daresay I would never expect another person to have to accomodate that for me. Anything can be attainable without somebody else. It just depends on how hard you are willing to work for it. My interests and hobbies are solely my own responsibility(not mention expensive as hell!!) and I would feel far more gratified in achieving them myself than some guy paying for it for me. IMO a relationship should only be about being happy together. Not what can be bought together...

[Gump]

R6? So what happened? How was the hooker? the DRAMA

[PrincessPratt]

I hardly think a fat wallet is a prerequisite for a relationship. If there is something in my life that I cannot acquire on my own on my own salary, I daresay I would never expect another person to have to accomodate that for me. Anything can be attainable without somebody else. It just depends on how hard you are willing to work for it. My interests and hobbies are solely my own responsibility(not mention expensive as hell!!) and I would feel far more gratified in achieving them myself than some guy paying for it for me. IMO a relationship should only be about being happy together. Not what can be bought together...

Well Jess I think you may have overlooked a previous post....."I have NEVER asked a man for money nor do I need to."...b/c that's exactly what I wrote. I believe i am much older than you and that is probably where the discrepancy lies. ))) When I was in my 20's I felt the same way you did. You know..."oh nothing matters just as long as we are in love". That is being naive. Everyting matters...it's the whole entire package. As I previously wrote I tend to be attracted to men that are very driven, goal-oriented, and very sure of what they want out of life. I love confidence!!! As I wrote previously my exhusband was a very driven man and had a great work ethic. He didn't make very much money (to my standards anyway...hehe). Nevertheless i was attracted to his motivation in life. That is huge for me in a man. He was one of the exceptions b/c most men that are very motivated in their career make a pretty good living for themselves as I do. But to negate people's point that I'm not all about the "fat wallet"....my ex bf was an attorney and worked in a very lucrative practice. Just his monthly mortagage was 14K a month and he still had tons left over for other "fun" things;). Obviously he made a GREAT living. He talked about marriage all the time but there were character flaws that I saw in him. I didn't want to live with those particular character flaws the rest of my life. Would we have had a very comfortable life together? Yes of course but money isn't everything. I feel that just as long as we can live a semi-comfortable life with children and be able to provide for them the way I think I child should be taken care of is what is important. And frankley I don't feel like I should give up things that I have acquired in my life b/c someone else decides they want to work at the 5 and dime store their entire life. Been there...done that. I have worked VERY hard in my educational preparation and in my career and I want someone who has done the same. Again I'm not going to apologize for my desires. Some of us are just going to have to agree to disagree.

[PrincessPratt]

Well said Sara. I couldn't agree more.

Well us old hags tend to think alike. ;) I'm just kidding. Had to stick it to u one more time!!!

[PrincessPratt]

I know people that dont make much money at all and have 2-3 kids and they have found a way to make it just fine and be super happy doing it. Not to mention I have a friend that is a single mother with 3 kids and she doesnt make much money and provides great for her kids and is happy in life. I also know people that make a shit ton of money with no kids and dont have anything because all they do is spend.. So once again, it goes back to if you truly love someone, you find a way to make it work and money is not the main issue. At least for those people. You are obviously different. Not a bad thing but money is apparently a primary concern for you now so like I said, just ask the guy up front how much he makes before wasting his time on a date. If at any point you feel you need to ask them how much they make, then you need to do it before investing your time or their time.

Well one of this first converstation peices on a first date for anyone usually is "what do u do for a living?". You can usually get a general idea of what a person makes by what career path they have chosen. I don't care about the exact dollar amount as much as I do about general provision and stability if I would have to cut back on hours in my career to be home with kids more IF that is what we chose to do with our future. I ALWAYS look 10 or 15 years down the road. And unfortunately I am a Type A through and through. I can't help but have my whole life planned out. That's why I think the person I end up with will be very laid back...u know just so I can be irritated everyday. hehe.

I do agree with u though Aaron. Many many people that have tons of money are still not happy. Money, marriage, etc. won't make you happy anyways. Those are just things. I'm just saying it's a nice "perk" I would rather not live without.

[r6allstar]

R6? So what happened? How was the hooker? the DRAMA

No DRAMA here.. yet. I flip flopped again and decided it was best to just keep it to myself until I feel the time is right.. am waiting on the right hooker to come along.

[jagr]

No DRAMA here.. yet. I flip flopped again and decided it was best to just keep it to myself until I feel the time is right.. am waiting on the right hooker to come along.

[troyec001]

I see no drama at all here.

[cbrjess0815]

Well Jess I think you may have overlooked a previous post....."I have NEVER asked a man for money nor do I need to."...b/c that's exactly what I wrote. I believe i am much older than you and that is probably where the discrepancy lies. ))) When I was in my 20's I felt the same way you did. You know..."oh nothing matters just as long as we are in love". That is being naive. Everyting matters...it's the whole entire package. As I previously wrote I tend to be attracted to men that are very driven, goal-oriented, and very sure of what they want out of life. I love confidence!!! As I wrote previously my exhusband was a very driven man and had a great work ethic. He didn't make very much money (to my standards anyway...hehe). Nevertheless i was attracted to his motivation in life. That is huge for me in a man. He was one of the exceptions b/c most men that are very motivated in their career make a pretty good living for themselves as I do. But to negate people's point that I'm not all about the "fat wallet"....my ex bf was an attorney and worked in a very lucrative practice. Just his monthly mortagage was 14K a month and he still had tons left over for other "fun" things;). Obviously he made a GREAT living. He talked about marriage all the time but there were character flaws that I saw in him. I didn't want to live with those particular character flaws the rest of my life. Would we have had a very comfortable life together? Yes of course but money isn't everything. I feel that just as long as we can live a semi-comfortable life with children and be able to provide for them the way I think I child should be taken care of is what is important. And frankley I don't feel like I should give up things that I have acquired in my life b/c someone else decides they want to work at the 5 and dime store their entire life. Been there...done that. I have worked VERY hard in my educational preparation and in my career and I want someone who has done the same. Again I'm not going to apologize for my desires. Some of us are just going to have to agree to disagree.

Ah, I hardly meant you. I was just referring to my general principle. I definitely do not just want to be 'in love'. I'd rather work on being satisfied with myself and my own life before I want to share it with someone else. I'm certain that at my age I dont need to be in a relationship at all(besides, when would I find time for that??? school/work/track is extremely time consuming) The only thing I will expect from someone I will be with is that they are financially equal to be on their own as I am. That's all I would need. Especially since I wont get married so that will on some level always be a necessity for me to take care of myself.. My life is dynamic for me to consider a sound committed relationship. That, I'm sure has to to with the generation difference as well.. you're much farther ahead of me on the 'get my own shit straight' front...

[SchmuckGirl]

You dont need to tell her how much you make, your doing the right thing by not wanting to "live above your means", women like to spend ever cent they encounter.

This is an unfair comment. I'm very organized about money and budgeting and saving cash for a 'rainy day'. Maybe all the women you have encountered like to 'spend every cent they encounter' but throwing out a generalized statement like that is just incorrect.