ODoyle Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Why you SHOULDN'T use your cell phones in public bathrooms. All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back from hitting golf balls with 1320 all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of ass cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that big things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at Fashion Place Mall to pick up some phone accessory for my daughter. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything must go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience: Occupied. 2. Clean, but bathroom protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one. 3. Shit smeared on seat. 4. Shit and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet. Seriously, the people at Fashion Place need to get a clue. Clearly, whether I liked it or not, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped ‘trou’ and sat down. I'm normally a fairly shameful shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but big things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of the Zoob fight song came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to his buddy about the shitty day he had and how he just bought the coolest BYU hat. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about it in public. My ass let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame shamefulness and I figured screw it; it's just a zoob anyway. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of a colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: The next-door conversation had ceased, my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come, and the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, horrible mind-numbing stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial ‘herald’ fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my GOSH," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, man, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the toilet seat. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride. Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell my wife... love her... oh god..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's butt at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of HC swear words and gags. My shit-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous shit-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to shit in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the john. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom. Craigslist is full of odd people,but funny people. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin R. Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 http://www.marriedtothesea.com/081407/old-people.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin R. Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 http://www.marriedtothesea.com/081007/did-you-make-red.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheHaze Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 http://www.marriedtothesea.com/081407/old-people.gif "The nice thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Easter eggs." --John McCain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GonneVille Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Sir, the Nation owes you both a debt of gratitude for taking action against a public nuisance, and a public execution for leaving behind a worse one... Post is full of Win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin R. Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 http://www.marriedtothesea.com/093008/purple-drank.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue98ls1 Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Guilty of using my phone in the bathroom. Me too. <- Anthony posting also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8 Beast Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Guilty of using my phone in the bathroom. Me too. <- Anthony posting also. Are you both in the bathroom now posting and talking on your phones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wnaplay1647545503 Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Flushing while shitting is a good method to drowned out the noise. FYI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuinqua Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I only got through the first paragraph...did u ppl really give this thread that much attention? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
92dropgt Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I only got through the first paragraph...did u ppl really give this thread that much attention? it deserves every ounce of thought you can give it! 10/10!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrMeanGreen Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Are you both in the bathroom now posting and talking on your phones No, on the couch watching a movie and doing the tandem laptop thing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuinqua Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 lol, ya'll r nutz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Apex Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Fucking hilarious!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spankis Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 If you know somebody with a strict policy against bathroom phone usage, be sure to send them a picture message of you smiling like crazy on the shitter. That's what I do, it's fun for all parties involved . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mopar Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 LOLz!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad is Dead Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I actually really laughed out loud while reading this.......awesome post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FourString Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I only got through the first paragraph...did u ppl really give this thread that much attention? Are you kidding me? This is the most important thread on CR right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chad is Dead Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Are you kidding me? This is the most important thread on CR right now. +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigbird Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I only got through the first paragraph...did u ppl really give this thread that much attention? Of course we do! Quality writing like this deserves a pulitzer! Too bad O'Doyle didn't write it, but I'll +rep anyway! Great post! :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceGhost Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 On the throne, posting this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brrcats Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 wow, uncontrollable laughter in the workplace FTW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMTC Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 wow, uncontrollable laughter in the workplace FTW I definitely just scared the receptionists with my sudden outbrake of laughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImUrOBGYN Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 I do. Not my fault if I gotta go when I gotta go. And I don't believe in flushing while sitting on the toilet. Your ass may get lightly misted by crappy water. Pun intended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted November 13, 2008 Report Share Posted November 13, 2008 Great post...that's right up there with the Ryan's Steakhouse One from years ago. Classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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