Tools explained

[wagner]

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical

stabilizer which=2

0you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could

get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

"Oh sh!#..."

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

 

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction

of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times hard er than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any

possible future use.

 

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to

cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into

the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the

outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

 

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER

: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowaday s is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.

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