Top 10 “For Dummies” books we’d like to see published

[Cypress]

1) Brothels for Dummies

How many brothels have you been to? Yeah, we thought so. In order to help you be a better educated consumer of the whore-house industry this pocket-guide will give you all sort of tips and tricks that the insiders don’t want you to know. Important chapters include:

• Herpes: It’s not that bad
  
• It isn’t rape if she’s dead
  
• Crack Whores: How to negotiate a suck for a buck
  

2) Suicide For Dummies

In the event that Dr. Kevorkian isn’t available this title will be of interest to you. If you’re going to partake in the culling of humanity then you’re probably in need of some assistance because you clearly have too many other things on your mind to worry about how to properly put the nail in your own coffin.

3) Top 10 Lists For Dummies

You think making these things is easy? Ppffft. Letterman has like a staff of 35 people to make his Top-10 list every night*. I’d be glad to author this encyclopedia of knowledge but I’m too busy figuring out what the next 7 entries in this list should be…

*May or may not be a slight exaggeration.

4) Getting Rich Quick For Dummies

For as long as “Get Rich Quick” schemes have been around there are legions of suckers who buy into them. Fill 90+pages with keywords like “easy”, “work from home”, “millionaire” and “guaranteed” and you are guaranteed to need a giant shovel to move the piles of cash you’ll make with this book.

5) Common Sense For Dummies

I think this book has already been written without the “For Dummies” label. Filled with tales of the unfortunate mishaps from humanities’ morons you’re sure to be left wondering why we don’t institute licenses for procreation.

6) Open Heart Surgery For Dummies

You’re on an airplane and a passenger screams frantically “is there a doctor on board?”. Lucky for the victim, er patient, you’re an honorary emergency cardiac surgeon from the quality time you spent thumbing through Open Heart Surgery For Dummies. After reading this book you’ll be able to crack open someone’s chest and do stuff. A special chapter at the end of the book is dedicated to how to successfully dodge any lawsuits or criminal charges.

7 ) How to Drive a Car For Dummies

With the large influx of illegal immigrants into the United States this is a handy guide on how to navigate our roadways. Helpful chapters include:

• Tailgating: How to improve your fuel economy
  
• Road Rage: Fighting back
  
• Law Enforcement Evasion Techniques
  
• Pedestrian Bowling
  

8 ) Hunting Humans for Sport – For Dummies!

You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars for an expensive expedition to the Australian bush to hunt humans. This exciting book will teach you the fun and excitement of “urban hunting”. If it moves, shoot it!

9 ) Sabotage For Dummies

If you’re buying any book in the “For Dummies” series this one is definitely one you should pick up. We took a study and before reading this guide people who attempted any form of sabotage were 27.5 times more likely to kill themselves while performing the aforementioned act of sabotage.

10 ) Goatse (and other terrifying Internet things) For Dummies

With over 150 beatiful full page illustrations this guide will introduce you to some of the most breath taking images The Internet has to offer. Buy two, one for yourself and one for that “special someone”. You’ll be all like “OMGWTFBBQ”.

[4DAIVI PAI2K5]

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