yea i see alot of things wrong. again, go take the time to check out a few other intros of people that didnt get bashed and follow that guidline.
A good intro would be like,
Hello, my name is.... Its not much, but i drive a..... I am 16 years old and still in high school, but plan on working full time/going to college when i graduate. My dad is also a member of this board.
Aside from somthing like that, just mention a few hobbies or something that you like or are into. its not hard.