redbarron77

The Confederate flag has been passed down from previous generations. The use of the "Stars and Bars" has been varied, i.e. - On the Dukes of Hazard, KKK rallies, etc. Quite a few people look at it with pride from their forefathers defending their way of life, others look at it with hatred for what their interpretation of an oppression of their ancestry.

The same can be said about the swastika. It was originally a symbol of good luck.

It is possible to have multiple feelings from a given symbol. I am glad we have the ability to discuss how something is offensive, because in some countries, we wouldn't have the ability to even discuss the reasons behind anger for something like this flag.

If people want to get angry, why not be pissed about the British Union Jack??? How many people were enslaved under that flag? (please someone remember that India was a country before the British rolled in) Yet, it seems to be chic to have a Mini-Cooper, or underwear with that "symbol of oppression" on it.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateralagainst a $5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boysâ€. I told

my wife that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At

around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in

the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3

times. Quickly, I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty

solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told

her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her

why, she said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then

said “Oh fuck!†cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed

another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on… If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?†might have turned out something like this:

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Abbott: What about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.

Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommend something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue “Wâ€.

Costello: I’m going to click your blue “w†if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: That’s right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What’s bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: They gave you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click on “Startâ€........

A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time.

Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence.

10 months later the daughter of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him.

"You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my daughter. I'm going to kill you, you hypocrite."

"No it wasn't me" stammered the missionary "It's just a freak of nature."

"Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and you're the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now I'm going to kill you slowly."

"No, it's true" responded the missionary. "It's called an albino. These sort of strange things happen all the time. See those sheep on the hill. Look, all the lambs are white except for one black one."

With that the chief looks around and in a conspiritorial tone replies, "Look, I'll do you a deal. I'll forget about the baby if you forget about the sheep. OK?"

I think flounder is looking for a more comfortable seat

ummmmmm.......Isn't Flounder a dude? I've done some crazy shit:sheepfucker:, but even I won't cross that line....

If you go with a locking gas cap, it's a good idea to keep a spare key in the glove box....

I remember having to call a locksmith to have my cap removed from my '78 Ford Bronco when I lost the key......

1. Don't call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like "Wha. . . ?"

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Don't have a clue.

14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"

Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily."

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will worship you.

31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say "See???? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

I have never wanted to be a bike seat more in my life......

oh no, do i get banned for ruining an admin's keyboard?

That was his work keyboard, not a personal one, so you should be fine.

He'll just switch it later with some other guy's.....of course, since it will be sticky, I know who he'll give it to.......

if you think CSCC sucks your money away then i dont even want to talk about OSU, much less an ivy league or something like up here in NH/MA. cscc is like pocket change compared to those.

My daughter is graduating from OSU this weekend, with her Bachelor's in Mechanical Engineering.......I KNOW what tuition prices are. My comment on having CSCC take all your money had more to do with being a former employee. They kept increasing the costs of the benefits, reduce the pay increases, and expect you to work obscene hours. Also the pay increases weren't merit based, so when I busted my ass, the phucktard in the next cube(who couldn't find his ass with both hands) got the exact same pay raise. Now Satan has to deal with those 'tards, and he has my upmost sympathies.

But back to gas stealing, here in TX (the capital of oversized trucks) there is a rash of gas thievery. It takes some serious cajones to try an take gas in an area where almost everyone is carrying.

that sucks...no surprise if it happened at cscc

I thought CSCC only sucked your life/money out???? They've started on taking your gas too????

I guess Val will do anything to make up for lost revenue....

happy b-day!

Duh-BA!

It'll even fit on your new vanity plate.

It would be like doing a superman down the road.

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

Think Long and Hard!

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

Husband: "Definitely not!"

Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do."

Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."

Wife: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

Husband: (makes audible groan).

Wife: "Would you live in our house?"

Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."

Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"

Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."

Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left-handed."

Wife: -- silence --

Husband: "Sh-t."

A father asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed,"When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. As you would expect, the lawyer is an arrogant man who thinks he is smarter than the cop because of his education. he decides to prove this to himself, and have some fun at the cop's expense.

Cop says "Licence, Please"

Lawyer says "What for?"

Cop. "You didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign"

Lawyer " I slowed down and no one was coming"

Cop. "You still have to come to a complete stop. Licence, Please."

Lawyer. " What's the difference?"

Cop ' The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. That's the law. Licence Please."

Lawyer " If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop. I'll give you my licence and you can give me the fine. If not, let me go, with no fine"

Cop. " Okay, get out of the vehicel, sir." At this point the cop takes out his baton, and starts beating the living daylights out of the Lawyer and says " Do you want me to stop, or just slow down.?"

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I worked with a guy who has accomplished this feat....many times over!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig. )

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. ( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Haven't seen a thread just for jokes, and since that is mostly what I do here.....instead of working at my job......

So, Post 'em if you got 'em!

A couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's illegal an' all.

Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.

The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: 'Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.'

'And then what?' asked the prosecutor.

'Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.'

'And what happened after that?'

'Well,' said the witness, 'they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!'

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, 'You know .. a good sheep'll do that.'