redbarron77

what kind of came up with "Don't make any noise during the ceremony"????

Now people are being arrested for being happy about Timmy finally graduating?

This country is definitely in the (had to use that, satan hasn't found a smiley with a commode in it)

...........

(I just wanted to be part of the longest most pointless thread on the forum)

I know....that's rich coming from me.....

A man was in a work-related accident, and had to fill out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken

collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...

I could completely defile Prats thread with scantly clad breasts but i am unsure of what the consequences will be.

Damn the consequences!!!

Please note that I am in a different time zone, and am probably the least likely to suffer any wrath that may be brought down.

It's that complicated "cut-and-paste" that gets us all.

OOOHhhhhhh.......

That's just seeeexxxxyyyy!!!! Whomever drives that car is going to be picking up the swooning women left and right!

You'll need the following:

1 c water

1 c sugar

1 c Butter

4 large eggs

2 cp dried fruit

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 cp brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Spoon.

Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Sorry these are getting posted so late BUT I had my graduation and party this past week.

Liz I'm NOT posting the one of your boobs.

She brought up the boobies first!!!!

I found it in the same place I find my jokes. When I saw the article, I had to look up the Garden Gnome Liberation Front, and found a plethora of information about the injustice we are doing to these innocent garden gnomes. In fact, the website offers jobs (non-paying) for people to write up grant justifications to get $$ from the US Gov't to help out our imprisoned miniature brothers.....

53-year-old Gnome russler has been arrested in Brittany after going on a gnome stealing spree.

The French man, suspected of stealing 170 gnomes, was arrested on Tuesday.

Gnome disappearances are becoming increasingly common on the French German border where a shady organisation, the Garden Gnome Liberation Front, is taking hold.

On this occasion, however, the suspect appears to have acted alone according to police.

Garden gnomes have been omnipresent in German gardens for more than a century and some 25 million of them are estimated to exist in garden plots around the country.

Created in 1872 in the eastern town of Graefenroda, they're a symbol of order and comedy.

Although they're adored by many, others find them to be in poor taste, a kind of provincial kitsch invading the German environment.

Reports of gnome theft have also occurred in Berlin, where some believe they were taken onto France where they were then “releasedâ€.

There is even an International Society for the Protection of Garden Gnomes that seeks to protect this German creation.

French authorities found some 170 gnomes in the Brittany man's small garden.

He faces the prospect of jail.

http://www.freethegnomes.com/index.html

I think this is what was supposed to be there:

http://www.worldcarfans.com/9080610.004/smart-fortwo-stunt-car-does-front-endo

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."

"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

when you are ready for the big-ass dogs, let me know....

www.alphadiogi.net

I have to update the site to note we moved, but the rest of the info is accurate. I have 10 Tibetan Mastiffs, and don't lock my doors.

Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen Pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horse shit!"

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

AND THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

"Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You

came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're

cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I

got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fullfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

The phone rang as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was

greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number.

I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear at the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

What if you have absolutely no idea of the power of the bike you just hopped on? Accidentally pop a wheelie?

For instance....I get Satan drunk, then his wife, so neither of them are coherent, then convince Satan to let me "borrow" his bike......

Hell, forget that! The bar tab would be more expensive than buying a new bike and the fines.....combined!

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat"

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words. "So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes ,and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"