The Unstung Hero

[Scruit]

I found out something about myself today. I can be calm under pressure and keep my head in a life-threatening situation. How do I know this? Read on...

As I was riding my motorcycle home from work today, minding my own business and whistling happy tunes inside my helmet, I found myself in a pretty precarious situation. I happened to bump into a "Bald Faced Hornet". When I say "bump into" I mean literally. 

The hornet flew into my face shield while I was riding on Route 36. So what? I hit bugs all the time. This one, though, was the size of a AA battery and hit with a thud, and startled me a little. Then it tried to fly off but wound up into my chest. A little dazed, apparently, it tried to fly away but seemed to prefer the pocket of calm air behind my windshield and finally landed on my tank bag to gather it's thoughts and take stock of where it was. It looked up at me, and I looked back at it.

(Let me digress for a moment and say I hate stinging insects with a passion. You would too if you'd been stung in the face 14 times by a swarm of Paper Wasps. Back to the story.)

Still hurtling down Route 36, the Hornet and I shared our brief encounter, but alas, all good things must come to an end. So I lifted up my hand and tried to gently brush the hornet off my tank bag. It was having none of it. It flew around back onto my tank bag. Right, you little bugger, a little more forceful this time. Push, fly, land. It looked up at me like a stoner kid; "Sup, brah?"

Tired of its little hornet shenanigans, I swiped at it with passion and vigor. I hit the tank bad and sent the little bastard arse-over-tit into the air. I raised a triumphant fist into the air as I saw it lose control and fall down. Down. Right down, into the saddle. Between my legs. And disappeared under my crotch.

Now, as any of you gross bachelor types will (refuse to) admit, sometimes you drop food while you are sitting down and have to go digging between your legs for it? Yeah? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

So there I am, speeding down Route 36 with a hornet (the size of a baby carrot with red-hot needle where his arse should be) that has decided to play hide-and-seek "down under". Now, I'm sure you can imagine that this is NOT an ideal scenario for me. At any moment it could sting me in the unmentionables, yet I cannot do anything about it while I'm doing 65mph. This is where grace under fire comes in. Did I panic and dump the bike? No. I stayed the course, despite the fact my love spuds were in MORTAL danger.

(I digress again - I had an epiphany - I always wondered how bike magazines got such great 60-0 braking distances on test bikes. How do they do it? They drop a bald-faced hornet down the test rider's boxers. Job done.) 

I stopped that bike so damn fast I swear it's 4 inches shorter now. And speaking of 4 inches shorter, my wedding tackle had involuntarily relocated to up under my lungs. I also managed to achieve this Newton-defying act of braking with one hand, while the other hand dug into my crotch desperately grabbing handfuls of anything down there hoping to evict the hornet from the vicinity of my trouser torpedo.

I hopped off the bike like I'd been launched by one of those inflatable blobs that people jump on the other side of and started frantically swatting at my little buddy. It must have been quite a sight to see my by the side of the highway reaching down with both hands battering my nethers like my hairy brain was on fire.

Finally I saw the hornet fly away without so much as a "by your leave". I was unscathed. Mr Happy remained true to his name. I took a moment to pay homage to my "unstung hero". 

I got back on the bike and rode home, with my legs clutching the bike so tight I thing I left knee-shaped dents in the tank.

 

[MidgetTodd]

like my hairy brain was on fire.

You really should shave.

I keep mine perfectly shaved.

[redkow97]

This is less funny every time I see it posted.

[Scruit]

This is less funny every time I see it posted.

 

Where else have you seen it posted?

[ScubaCinci]

Yikes, scary.

I got stung doing a sual sport ride a few months ago. Something hit me in the shoulder and stung me. I've alwaye been mildly allergic to stings (local swelling and itchiness) and I hadn't been stung in about 15 years so I wasn't sure how my body would react but we were deep in the woods in BFE so there wasn't much I could do. It hurt and itched for about 2 weeks and I still have a mark where I was stung a few months later.

[redkow97]

Where else have you seen it posted?

On the WERA board. At least twice. Possibly once on here as well.

Edited August 18, 2013 by redkow97

[Scruit]

On the WERA board. At least twice. Possibly once on here as well.

 

 

I'm gonna raise the BS flag HIGH in the air on that.  I wrote this myself, about an hour before posting it here.  

[redkow97]

I'll find the post on the WERA board when I'm at a computer. The search function doesn't work on the mobile site.

[Scruit]

I'll find the post on the WERA board when I'm at a computer. The search function doesn't work on the mobile site.

 

This should be fun.  

[mojocho]

hilarious Scruit!

[ReconRat]

I took a bumblebee between open face hemet and head on the dark freeway years ago.

It thunked to a stop on the back of my neck. Sort of whack-buzz-huh?

Panic stopped on side of freeway while braking steering downshifting without clutch and yanking the helmet off with free hand.

 

All I could think of was that a sting on the back of the neck could kill or close to it.

[redkow97]

I haven't found the exact thread I was thinking of, but here's 3 other "bee in helmet" threads:

 

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=300032&highlight=bee+helmet

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=264356&highlight=bee+helmet

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=1326&highlight=bee+helmet

 

 

There's also a 'killer squirrel' thread out there somewhere too.  It's completely fabricated, but moderately amusing.

[jschaf]

I'm gonna raise the BS flag HIGH in the air on that.  I wrote this myself, about an hour before posting it here.  

I wanna see the video.

[Scruit]

I haven't found the exact thread I was thinking of, but here's 3 other "bee in helmet" threads:

 

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=300032&highlight=bee+helmet

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=264356&highlight=bee+helmet

http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?t=1326&highlight=bee+helmet

 

 

There's also a 'killer squirrel' thread out there somewhere too.  It's completely fabricated, but moderately amusing.

 

None of these are my story.  

[MidgetTodd]

My story involves naked girls and jello, your story is invalid

[Scruit]

Maybe my story is a modern allegorical fable of how easily one's peace and security can be violated by external forces and the moral is about a calm response is the best.

Maybe it's just about a guy who didn't want to get stung in the plums by a hornet the size of a hamster.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Scruit

[gsJack]

Caught a bee in my mouth once with the shield up on a full face helmet just putting along about 40 or so, it was under my tongue. My tongue flicked rapidly until the bee flipped out onto the inside of the chinbar. Swiped it out from the chinbar with my finger and saw it bounce off the tank as I came to a stop. To be honest it was a rather small one and don't know if it could even sting yet, but I do try to keep either my face shield or my mouth closed now while riding.

Edited August 19, 2013 by gsJack

[JohnG]

I was entertained, thank you. 

[BDBGoalie]

Even if it is a veiled repost, it was still hilarious.

[Mj 88]

Lol. Thanks Scruit good story.

[redbarron77]

Want the video.  

[motociclista]

Scruit,

 

Well-told tale. Under your rights, you are presumed innocent of plagiarism unless proven guilty.

 

As for that killer squirrel story that widely made the rounds a few years back, I never understood why some people thought it was hilarious. 

[Gixxus Christ!]

I had a yellow jacket get down inside my riding jacket once and sting me from neck to navel. No fun at all. I was pulling into work and people stopped and stared as I stopped in the middle of the lot and frantically fumbled with my zipper and failing because of my cheap gloves.

Altho scruit, you shoulda let it get you once in the prick, just for a photo op, because that's the biggest anyone will ever see it.

[Scruit]

Even if it is a veiled repost, it was still hilarious.

Not a repost. Sure, other folks may have had something similar happen to them, but this is still a real / original story that happened to me directly. Edited August 19, 2013 by Scruit

[DerekClouser]

I found out something about myself today. I can be calm under pressure and keep my head in a life-threatening situation. How do I know this? Read on...

As I was riding my motorcycle home from work today, minding my own business and whistling happy tunes inside my helmet, I found myself in a pretty precarious situation. I happened to bump into a "Bald Faced Hornet". When I say "bump into" I mean literally. 

The hornet flew into my face shield while I was riding on Route 36. So what? I hit bugs all the time. This one, though, was the size of a AA battery and hit with a thud, and startled me a little. Then it tried to fly off but wound up into my chest. A little dazed, apparently, it tried to fly away but seemed to prefer the pocket of calm air behind my windshield and finally landed on my tank bag to gather it's thoughts and take stock of where it was. It looked up at me, and I looked back at it.

(Let me digress for a moment and say I hate stinging insects with a passion. You would too if you'd been stung in the face 14 times by a swarm of Paper Wasps. Back to the story.)

Still hurtling down Route 36, the Hornet and I shared our brief encounter, but alas, all good things must come to an end. So I lifted up my hand and tried to gently brush the hornet off my tank bag. It was having none of it. It flew around back onto my tank bag. Right, you little bugger, a little more forceful this time. Push, fly, land. It looked up at me like a stoner kid; "Sup, brah?"

Tired of its little hornet shenanigans, I swiped at it with passion and vigor. I hit the tank bad and sent the little bastard arse-over-tit into the air. I raised a triumphant fist into the air as I saw it lose control and fall down. Down. Right down, into the saddle. Between my legs. And disappeared under my crotch.

Now, as any of you gross bachelor types will (refuse to) admit, sometimes you drop food while you are sitting down and have to go digging between your legs for it? Yeah? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

So there I am, speeding down Route 36 with a hornet (the size of a baby carrot with red-hot needle where his arse should be) that has decided to play hide-and-seek "down under". Now, I'm sure you can imagine that this is NOT an ideal scenario for me. At any moment it could sting me in the unmentionables, yet I cannot do anything about it while I'm doing 65mph. This is where grace under fire comes in. Did I panic and dump the bike? No. I stayed the course, despite the fact my love spuds were in MORTAL danger.

(I digress again - I had an epiphany - I always wondered how bike magazines got such great 60-0 braking distances on test bikes. How do they do it? They drop a bald-faced hornet down the test rider's boxers. Job done.) 

I stopped that bike so damn fast I swear it's 4 inches shorter now. And speaking of 4 inches shorter, my wedding tackle had involuntarily relocated to up under my lungs. I also managed to achieve this Newton-defying act of braking with one hand, while the other hand dug into my crotch desperately grabbing handfuls of anything down there hoping to evict the hornet from the vicinity of my trouser torpedo.

I hopped off the bike like I'd been launched by one of those inflatable blobs that people jump on the other side of and started frantically swatting at my little buddy. It must have been quite a sight to see my by the side of the highway reaching down with both hands battering my nethers like my hairy brain was on fire.

Finally I saw the hornet fly away without so much as a "by your leave". I was unscathed. Mr Happy remained true to his name. I took a moment to pay homage to my "unstung hero". 

I got back on the bike and rode home, with my legs clutching the bike so tight I thing I left knee-shaped dents in the tank.

 

I'd say I was literally laughing out loud. Not only because of the punny words you used for your unit and carriage, but also because on our ride on Saturday, Brian (whaler) had a bee go into his helmet and it looked like he was having a seizure. Both stories combined made me laugh uncontrollably. +1 for that.