I really need some advice.

[Guest Crankshaft]

<font color ="midnightblue"> So, I have this friend; we'll call him Eric (there's a person or two here who might know him, so I want to protect his privacy). I've known him for five years, since my freshman year in high school. We were the best of friends for about the first two of those years, and then it started going down hill.

 

Eric is someone who creates an image for himself; he has a face for everyone who knows him, and rarely shares the same face with anyone twice. He's come from a horrible childhood--he had a physically abusive father, and a mother who constantly criticizes him and points out all his flaws, she never encourages him.

 

Now, as we all do at some point in our lives (some of us never stop), he tried to fit in during high school--tried to find his crowd. I take that back; he didn't so much try to find his crowd, as he did try to make himself part of the crowd he was in. The image he created for himself was of a tough, hardcore, badass military man. He acted like he was the toughest mother fucker around; dedicated his life to preparing to join the Navy SEALs. I stopped being friends with him around this time because he would talk about me when I wasn't there, and make fun of me because the people he was with thought it was funny. He didn't care if we were best friends; he'd gladly sacrifice me for some temporary popularity. So that was it. I stopped talking to him for about two years and just let it go.

 

But now I'm back for the summer, and I ran into him again. It turns out (not surprisingly) that he dropped out of the military academy. He learned the hard way that the person he was pretending to be wasn't who he really was. We drove around for a while, and talked for the better part of three hours. He told me he was miserable with his life; that all those years he realized he had been making up a person, just trying to fit in, and that it wasn't really him. He even cried, which was pretty amazing. The problem now is that he is drinking hardcore every night with the people he works with.

 

He works at a car dealership and when he gets off work, they all go out to the bar and drink until the early morning, when he staggars home, to repeat the process in a few hours. The people he's working with are using him--it's obvious they don't care one lick about his well being, they just don't wanna have anyone around who isn't as big of a loser as they are. He dips, smokes and drinks, and his life is falling apart at the seams.

 

So, now comes in my dilemma. As a friend, I can't simply let him do this to himself. He told me he doesn't want to, and isn't happy. I know I can't make him change, but I can help, and that's what I'm trying to do. He had the day off today, so I went to where he works and talked to his boss, and essentially told him to leave Eric alone. His boss said he'd monitor his activities, but I don't think I'll get much help from him. If, however, I find out that his boss--a suposedly responsible adult--is permitting or encouraging him to continue this behavior, I'll turn him in for whatever kind of punishment the law has in store for that. That's totally irresponsible to allow someone to do that to themselves just for your own amusement.

 

The other issue is that Eric is in love with this girl...we'll call her Jamie. He's liked her for the past 3 years, and it's gotten worse with time. I asked Eric if he'd mind if I talked to her, and he said I didn't. So today I went over and had a discussion with her. She's one of the nicest girls anyone could ever expect to meet, and ironically, is the daughter of his boss. She said that she didn't return Eric's feelings, but that she did care for him a great deal as a friend, which I kind of already knew. But anyways, she said she'd help me help him back onto his feet.

 

So, from here, I don't know what to do. I think the best thing to do would be to keep him away from the people who are encouraging him to continue with these activities. If he can get away from alcohol, smoking, and dip (but mainly alcohol), perhaps he'll begin to realize there's more out there in life. He's seriously becoming an alcoholic, which is what his dad was. He said the only thing he wants is to be a good husband and father to his family when he has them, not like his father was; I told him that that isn't going to happen if he does all the same things his dad did. But, aside from these things, what can I do? He obviously isn't happy, and I want to help him in any way I can, but I'm not sure where to draw the line in what I should be doing. He has to make the decisions for himself; but I also feel that as his friend, I should be there to help him. I don't want to see him throw his life away, and neither does Jamie. What should I do??

[Orion]

pray for him, and show him love.

[Black ITR Guy]

it apprears to dr. brian that he has never really had any good stability in his life. be that, be the good friend he never had, show him its ok to be himself he doesnt have to be someone else to be your friend. id say meet him after he gets off work before he heads to the bar and hang out with him show him he can have fun with out drinking. just being there for him is gonna do wonders for him i guessing. (be a friend)

[Guest mudbutt]

^^ I had a roomate on the same path. I did what I could but the situations were different, he fealt there was no problems and moved before any progress. The girl may have good intenetions, but her helping will just cause his love to manifest. This is a BAD thing for someone in his position. It will just lead him to believe something MUST be wrong with him if this girl will dedicate time but not date him.

 

For the rest, all you can really do is be a friend, be there, listen, but dont try to force him to do anything. Him Knowing someone REALLY cares, will slowly open his eyes. Try to help occupy his time with positive activities and try to enforce that he isnt a terrible person and that the band can be turned around.

 

I speak from experience from BOTH sides of this situation. I was TERRIBLY depressed and drank a lot in highschool. Without a few great friends, who knows where I'd be.

[Science Abuse]

Family. Scared me shitless but I have found a new strange calm and happyness about it.

 

I hear Jesus works for some people, just dont get carried away. smile.gif

[smokin5s]

Originally posted by Mud Butt:

^^ I had a roomate on the same path. I did what I could but the situations were different, he fealt there was no problems and moved before any progress. The girl may have good intenetions, but her helping will just cause his love to manifest. This is a BAD thing for someone in his position. It will just lead him to believe something MUST be wrong with him if this girl will dedicate time but not date him.

 

For the rest, all you can really do is be a friend, be there, listen, but dont try to force him to do anything. Him Knowing someone REALLY cares, will slowly open his eyes. Try to help occupy his time with positive activities and try to enforce that he isnt a terrible person and that the band can be turned around.

 

I speak from experience from BOTH sides of this situation. I was TERRIBLY depressed and drank a lot in highschool. Without a few great friends, who knows where I'd be.

what he said....

 

remember, a friend is a friend for life, don't turn your back on him in his time of need... maybe he was brought back to you to test you to really see what you're made of... you might just find out

[Guest Crankshaft]

<font color ="midnightblue"> So...his boss ended up calling Eric and telling him that I'd been out to talk to him. Eric's boss wasn't too happy, and, according to Eric, almost fired him. I don't wanna cause more problems for this kid, but dammit, his boss is human scum. Eric was naturally upset, but didn't seem too put out by it. I don't wanna take liberties that are not mine to take, and I'm not sure where the line is drawn when standing up for Eric is concerned. I know he needs to do it himself, but at the same time, if he just keeps encountering the same negative influences, he's never gonna get high enough off the ground to manage a recovery.

 

I just don't know what to fucking do. I don't even wanna be doing this; it feels so uncomfortable, and like it's none of my business.

 

And you're all right; I'm trying to do all those things, and I'm not planning on abandoning him now. But I feel like I'm already in over my head, and the ship is still sinking.

[mrs.cos]

I dont awnt to be a pain, but waht exactly is it that you think his boss is responsible for? I mean, after hours he is no longer in charge. Is this kid underage?

 

I do agree about giving him positive things to do in his life. Go see movies, go paintballing, anything that doesnt involve drinking will help. But if he is a true COA (child of an Alcholic) he will need more help than just a friend. That takes a lot of time and Alanon and what not. (i speak from being a COA). It is a ruff spot to be in. I was alot like this guy aside from the drinking.. I didnt know who i was, tried to fit in everywhere.. but it took the faith of one friend who put up with a lot of pain i inflicted (not intentionally)on her to help me figure out who i was and where i wanted to be in life.

 

I wish you luck with this friend and hope he finds that the Jedi side of life is better than the Dark side.

[Guest Crankshaft]

<font color ="midnightblue"> I'll tell you what his boss is responsible for: he's responsible for encouraging and permitting an underage employee to come and drink with him. He calls Eric up after work when he gets to the bar and tells him he needs a drinking buddy. Eric complies. And no, the argument that "Eric is old enough to make his own decisions" isn't gonna work here because all Eric ever wants to do is impress people; he takes the easiest road possible, and has never learned any other way.

 

Why do we think the boss got angry? Because he knew he could get in trouble. Why could he get in trouble? Because he was doing something wrong, something illegal. I don't want to meddle; I just wanna do the right thing. And that's the problem--it's so hard to know what the right thing is.

 

I hope I can help him, but it doesn't look like anything will now. He's sided with his boss, it seems, which tells me once again he's taking the easy road. He knows his boss is wrong, and he confided this to me alone; but he becomes someone else when he's at work, and he doesn't seem to care.

[desperado]

As wierd as this sounds, he is siding with his boss because he knows that you will NOT walk away, but his boss will turn his back on him in a second. And I think that the rejection is what he fears the most. Growing up being rejected in a sense by his own parents (the two people that you are programmed should NEVER reject you) destroyed his self esteem. So the idea of rejection I would bet terrifies him more than even dying possibly. I will say that if he's truly in that condition, he's unreasonablely fragile emotionally. I don't think that any one here hasn't been down that road a little way, but for your buddy it's different, he's way the hell down that road. And I can say with a bit of certainty that it's a hard fucking road to come back from. I know someone that welt through something similar that ended up rejecting EVERYONE in his life to start getting back up on his feet again.

I also remember that he faced a couple things in his past that were the basis of why he was the way he was. My thought would be to TRY to get him to make peace with his parents as much as possible, it sounds like that would be a big start, or and the very most express to them how they hurt him. I hope that helps. And one other thing, don't walk away from the guy. As much as his actions might want you to, don't do it.

[SPLN SUX]

i remeber when i had just turned 21 and started drinking heavily and not taking care of business... i ended up grilling out with my dad one night. All it took was for him to push me up against a tree in his back yard and say,"What the hell is wrong with you? I know i taught you better than this. Get outta here and dont come back untill you can figure out why you thought you could get away with being a disappointment to me."

 

3 days later i called him up. He immediatly asked if i had an answer for him. I said i didnt know what to say. He hung up.

 

He basically made me figure out why i was doing what i doing... and the whole point was, there wasnt a reason. He already knew it, but i didnt. As soon as i realized that there was no reason to do what i was/wasnt doing, i stopped/started doing it.

 

Sure it was effective, but i would have rather him just give me a couple quick shots in the face and tell me to straiten my ass up.

[mrs.cos]

Originally posted by Folkvang:

<font color ="midnightblue"> I'll tell you what his boss is responsible for: he's responsible for encouraging and permitting an underage employee to come and drink with him. He calls Eric up after work when he gets to the bar and tells him he needs a drinking buddy. Eric complies. And no, the argument that "Eric is old enough to make his own decisions" isn't gonna work here because all Eric ever wants to do is impress people; he takes the easiest road possible, and has never learned any other way.

 

Why do we think the boss got angry? Because he knew he could get in trouble. Why could he get in trouble? Because he was doing something wrong, something illegal. I don't want to meddle; I just wanna do the right thing. And that's the problem--it's so hard to know what the right thing is.

 

I hope I can help him, but it doesn't look like anything will now. He's sided with his boss, it seems, which tells me once again he's taking the easy road. He knows his boss is wrong, and he confided this to me alone; but he becomes someone else when he's at work, and he doesn't seem to care.

I must have missed it inthe earlier post, ididtn realize the kid is underage. Sorry...

[iwishiwascool]

Youre just setting yourself up for disappointment. You cant fix other people's problems. If he wants to change, he will. You cant do it for him.

[Crash1647545504]

Call the cops on the boss, for buying a minor alcohol. Have "Eric" secure another job, and quit the one hes in right now, because it seems most of his problems are dirived from his work and coworkers. Thats what I would do if it was my best friend.