TTQ B4U Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 I was going through some old emails and found this one funny. I used to in/out of a corporate office when the company I was employed by had a corporate office here. So much of this is true it still makes me laugh. > > HOW TO TAKE A POOP AT WORK > > > > We've all been there but don't like to admit > > it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt > > something brew down below. As much as > > we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the > > WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping > > at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for > > taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and > > pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. > > > > ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out > > while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This > is > > usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. > > This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing > > an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an > > escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did > > not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, > > pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, > > it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or > > laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. > > > > JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). > > Definition: When forcing poop, several farts > > slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side > > effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should > > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until > > everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone > > the awkwardness of what just occurred. > > > > COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of > > flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop > > log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an > > undisclosed location. This reduces the amount > > of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. > > This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK > > OF SHAME. > > > > WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the > > stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just > > stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very > > uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. > > As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell > > does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the > > COURTESY FLUSH. > > > > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A > > colleague who poops at work and damn > > proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The > > Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper > > or magazine under their arm. Always look around > > the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper > > before entering the bathroom. > > > > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: > > A group of coworkers who band together to ensure > > emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group > > can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out > > Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. > > > > SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used > > bathroom somewhere in the building > > where you can least expect visitors. Try > > floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. > > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex > > entering the bathroom. > > > > TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not > > realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. > > This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments > > that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this > > occurs, remain in the stall until he Turd > > Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable > > eye contact. > > > > CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that > > alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. > > This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, > > or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very > > effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. > > > > ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is > > used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a > stall. > > This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. > > If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately > > so the pooper can poop in peace. > > > > WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a > > loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an > embarrassing > > > > incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. > SEE > > CAMO-COUGH. > > > > HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea > > that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. > > Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a > > Camo-Cough with an Astaire. > > > > UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who > > seems to linger around forever. > > Could spend extended lengths of time in front > > of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted > > makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you > > should always wait to drop your load when the > > bathroom is empty. > > This benefits you as well as the other bathroom > > attendees. > > > > FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a > > bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. > > If there are others in the bathroom, leave > > and come back again. Be careful not to become > > a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch > > you constantly going into the bathroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HotCarl Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 WOW so true. For anyone working in an office, they will understand. Oh and I have a safe haven, it's a pair of bathroom's in the far corner of our department that no one ever uses b/c their so far away. Perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supplicium Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 indeed very true, i have a safe haven at work too. HAVANA OMELET rofl! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tshensley Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 O man I used to have this a long time ago and forgot where it went. Awesome that you found this yet again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evan9381 Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 HA. the office im in (probably 200 people) has 2 bathrooms. one up top, 4 stalls, then 3 urinals, then a handicapped stall, and the bottom floor has 2 urinals and a handicap stall...i hate crapping in the downstairs one because everyone knows when someone is in there. but the top floor you are much more vulnerable to be noticed going in for extended periods of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorne Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 Night shift alone > * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LJ Posted July 16, 2007 Report Share Posted July 16, 2007 Out of the closet pooper is a must in a building with 3000 employees Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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