A few jokes I just heard

[Guest Melanie]

So I guy is sitting in the dentist chair, the dentist says, "Man, you 69'd with your wife before coming here today, didn't you?" The guy says, "Gee, doc, does my breath stink?" He says, "No." " Is there hair on my teeth?" He says, "No." "So how can you tell?" dentist says, "There's shit on your nose."

 

 

Two midgets each chip in for a lottery ticket and they win. To celebrate, they get two motel rooms right next to each other and they get two prostitutes. They each go into a room with a prostitute. The first guy, he doesn't know what to say to a hooker. He just sits there. In the next room he hears "Uuummpphh! huuummpphh! uuhh-wuuhh!" the whole ...night. The next morning the two midgets come out of their rooms and the first midget says,"I didn't know what to say to her." The second midget says, "I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

 

Nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?" Doctor says, "I'm writing a prescription." She says, " There's a thermometer in your hand." Doctor says, "Damn it, some asshole's got my pen!"

 

 

(I don't know why those are in bold, copy/pasted them)

Edited February 12, 2010 by Melanie

[Guest Melanie]

A 75 year-old guy, who's hair is completely white, marries a 22 year-old girl and she gets pregnant. 9 months later they are in the maternity ward, he goes to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins." He says, " I guess that goes to show even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in... the furnace." The nurse says, "You better change the filters because both the babies are black."

 

A guy is walking on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. He runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says, "Twenty dollars." So he takes her under the boardwalk and he bangs her. The next night he is walking down the boardwalk and runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk only this time, while he's banging her, she cuts two huge farts. They get done he gives her 25 dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, " That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

[Nickey4271647545519]

Hhaha pretty good laughs...

[SRTurbo04]

meh d - at best

[Guest Melanie]

Post a better one then. Gotta love jokes!

[Sully]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[Sully]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Sully]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

[Guest Removed]

those last 3 are pretty good

[flippy1974]

good ones

[Guest Melanie]

Those were good.

[87GT]

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks the fellow, “what's the occasion?”

 

The guy says, “my first blowjob.”

 

The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!”

 

The man says, “No thanks. If 4 shots don’t get rid of the taste…”

[Guest 614Streets]

How does a west virginian mother tell when her daughter is on her period?

 

 

She can taste it on her sons breath.

[TTQ B4U]

This thread has my approval

[Richard Cranium]

A guy walks into the bar and has the bartender set him up 8 shots in a row. He starts downing them as fast as he can. The bartender asks him why he's drinking so fast. The guy replies "If you had what I have you'd drink fast too." "Okay" the bartender replies, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "A buck thirty two."

[Nickey4271647545519]

Finals of National poetry had arrived. 2 contestants were left, one from Harvard University, one a redneck from Dimville, Texas.

 

RUles stated that each was to compose a 4-line poem in one minute or less - the catch? The poem had to use the word "Timbuktu"

 

Harvard Man went first. 30 seconds after the clock started he got up and recited his poem.

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination -- Timbuktu.

The audience went Crazy. How, they wondered could the redneck could top that?

 

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.

Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went...

Met three whores in a pop-up tent...

They was three, we was two...

So I bucked one and Timbuktu...

[felixdarican]

So I know this guy who works at a pickle factory and every time talk of work comes up he talks about how badly he wants to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

 

For years this goes on and on to anyone who will listen about it. Until one day he comes home and proudly tells his wife "well I finally did it"......she replys in a disapproving tone "you didn't".....I did he says.

 

She immediately demands he drop his pants and show her.....so he does...after a quick inspection she proclaims..theres nothing wrong with you...what happened to the pickle slicer.

 

I imagine she got fired too.

[felixdarican]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

 

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

 

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[felixdarican]

3 men standing in front of God

 

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

 

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

 

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

 

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

 

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

 

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

 

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

 

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

 

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"