Jokes.................

[conn-e-rot]

Q: What's 6" long and won't be getting sucked on Valentine's Day?

A: Whitney Houston's crack pipe

[Simplysix]

Q: What's 6" long and won't be getting sucked on Valentine's Day?

A: Whitney Houston's crack pipe

wow, so wrong, but hilarious

[conn-e-rot]

Q: What's the difference between a Diva and a Diver?

A: Only one can hold their breath under water.

[conn-e-rot]

Whitney will not be cremated alone.... she would want to feel the heat with some body

[conn-e-rot]

At the morgue they left the music on for Whitney just in case she wanted to dance with some body

[conn-e-rot]

Houston.... She had a problem

[conn-e-rot]

Q: What's white, dry and fluffy?

A: Whitney's bath towel

[conn-e-rot]

Such a shame to hear Whitney died of a drug overdose I was hoping she died in a car crash while giving Mariah Carey and Celine Dion a ride home.

[redbarron77]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[redbarron77]

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her suitcase.

What the hell are you doing? He asks

I'm leaving you for a better life, she replies

Where do you think you're going? He asks

"Im going to las vegas, I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there!" she replies

The man thinks for a moment, then gets his suitcare and starts packing his clothes

"What the hell are you doing?" the wife asks?

He replies... "I'm going to las vegas too! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!

[redbarron77]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”

[redbarron77]

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...

"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother.

[redbarron77]

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month?

Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy said, “Once a year!”

To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?”

The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

[redbarron77]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[redbarron77]

Red's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Red, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

[redbarron77]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[redbarron77]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "

[redbarron77]

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.

After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was a young lad, my mother told me that if I made a ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."

The little bastard replied,

"Well, you can't say you weren't fucking warned."

[redbarron77]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[redbarron77]

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

A guy phons a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones agin and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to spek to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep caling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[redbarron77]

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, "Is it true what the teacher told us today?"

"What's that?" the mother replied.

"That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises," the daughter said.

"Yes it is dear," mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.

"But when I have a baby," the girl responded, "Won't it knock my teeth out?"

[redbarron77]

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.

The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""

[redbarron77]

Miss Jones' second grade class was learning about stories with morals.

"Now, " said Miss Jones, " Can anyone come up and tell a story with a moral?"

Little Suzie puts up her hand and is called to the front of the room.

"My daddy told me we were going to have 12 chicks,"she said "but all the eggs didn't hatch, so we only ended up with 9"

Very good, " said Miss Jones, " and what is the moral?"

"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched, Miss Jones" Suzie replied.

Little Bobby put his hand up nex and was called to the front.

"My Mama was collecting eggs from the henhouse and the handle on the basket broke and all the eggs smashed on the ground."

Very good, " said Miss Jones, " and what is the moral?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket, Miss Jones."

Next to put up their hand was Little Tommy. Miss Jones was hesitant, as Little Tommy was the kind of kid who you never knew what he was going to say, but she called him up anyway.

"My Uncle Dave, " he began, " was in Vietnam. His plane was shot down, so Uncle Dave jumped out with only a bottle of Jack Daniels, his gun and a parachute. On the way to the ground he drank the WHOLE bottle of Jack Daniels in one gulp, and when he landed he was surrounded by 48 enemy soldiers. He killed the first 30 of them with his gun until his bullets ran out, then he killed 12 more with his bayonet until it broke, and then last, he beat the remaining 5 Viet Cong to death with his bare hands."

The entire class fell into a deathly horrified silence.

Aghast, Miss Jones asked "Good Lord, Tommy what is the moral of THAT story?"

Tommy shrugged " Don't fuck with Uncle Dave when he's been drinking."

[redbarron77]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[redbarron77]

Old Father McKenzie retired and a young seminary graduate was given his parish.

The only thing the new priest was usure of is what pennance to give for confessed sins, so Father McKenzie gave him a "cheat sheet" of common sins and the "standard" pennances.

On his first confession, the new priest cluthched his list tightly.

A young woman entered the confessional and began to confess.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," she said, " It's been one week since my last confession and in that time I have had impure thoughts about my boyfriend."

The new priest looks up on his list, "impure thoughts - 5 hail Mary's"

"That's five Hail Mary's, my child." He says.

"But wait, father" the young woman says, " There's more. I also had premarital sex with him."

The priest consults his list and sees: "Premarital sex - 1 rosary, 10 Hail Mary's and $20 in the poor box"

He relates this to the young woman who replies. "Yes father, but there's even more. I also gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The new priest consults his list, but is unable to find the pennance for a blowjob, even on the back. Panicking he quietly opens the door of the confessional and calls over a passing altarboy, who knew the old Priest's methods.

"Excuse me, son" whispered the priest frantically, " Do you by chance know what old father McKenzie gave for blowjobs?"

The boy thought for a second and replied:

"Usually a Mars bar and five bucks."