Jokes.................

[CbrGirl]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how

You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock

The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of

Them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not

Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit

Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

_____________________________________________________________________

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk

around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle

for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in

heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with

gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the

scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and

only go one time round the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on

the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the

block so another dog is pushing her home."

[yotaman88210]

OMG i love the second one!

[Disclaimer]

Is it just me, or does anyone else read the thread title and get that scene from Family Guy in their head where that uptight office girl from the toy factory says, "Jokes. I love Jokes." And then Peter has to go to Mrs. Ironbox's sensitivity training for the "Why to women have breasts? So you got something to look at when you're talking to them." -joke.

[ross]

2nd one was definately my favorite

[Unk Greg]

I was at one of them fancy restaurants and dropped my fork and the waiter brought me another one rather quickly. My napkin slipped to the floor and again poste haste I was provided with a new one. I thought great, so I pushed my wife off of her chair........

[JonS]

Sorry, I only know one lawyer joke. The rest are all true stories.

[MadMax33]

What's 12 inches long and white?

Nothing.

[Unk Greg]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are so happy about?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, the railroad tracks I live by? Well on my way home last nite, I noticed a young girl tied to the tracks. and like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. It was amazing!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy, was she pretty?"

"Dunno.....Never found the head!"

[dustinsn3485]

The first joke thread

I got negged for this post

I was adding more jokes to thread and got negged :lol:

Edited March 3, 2009 by dustinsn3485

[magley64]

Why is it common to see cruisers parked outside of bars? Alcohol is the only thing that makes them enjoyable.

Why do you never see sport bikes parked outside of bars? You can't park a sportbike, they are solid fueled rockets with wheels, the only way to stop is to run out of fuel, or wreck.

[MadMax33]

How are they improving the transportation in Harlem?

Their planting the trees closer together....Sorry President Obama...

[f4isvt]

a 3 legged dog walks into the bar and says he is looking for the man that shot my paw. 2 muffins are sitting in the oven first muffin looks over and says man its hot in here, 2nd muffin looks back and says holy shit a talking muffin. Horse walks up to the bar, bartender says why the long face.

[jagr]

Someone might open a can of fatwa on me for this. But heregoes.

What do you ask a man that just converted to Islam?

Have you started beating your wife yet.

How do you spot a well balanced Muslim?

He has a chip on both shoulders.

Two Muslim sisters on a trip to America leave the airport and encounter a hot dog vendor. Curious that Americans eat dogs they decide to give it a try. So they order two hot dogs and sit down at a nearby bench to eat. One sister unwraps hers first, sees what it is and with a gleam in her eye, asks her sister " which part did you get".

[ReconRat]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Heh...

[DudeAbides]

baby seal walks into a club....

[max power]

On a recent trip - as I booked into a hotel , I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's regular porn... you sick bastard."

[DudeAbides]

On a recent trip - as I booked into a hotel , I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's regular porn... you sick bastard."

strong lol.

[cmoosego]

Why is it common to see cruisers parked outside of bars? Alcohol is the only thing that makes them enjoyable.

Why do you never see sport bikes parked outside of bars? You can't park a sportbike, they are solid fueled rockets with wheels, the only way to stop is to run out of fuel, or wreck.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You never see sportbikes at bars cause you can't get them to slow down enough to notice that there is one there....Speed ticket FO you!!!

[cmoosego]

Someone might open a can of fatwa on me for this. But heregoes.

What do you ask a man that just converted to Islam?

Have you started beating your wife yet.

How do you spot a well balanced Muslim?

He has a chip on both shoulders.

Two Muslim sisters on a trip to America leave the airport and encounter a hot dog vendor. Curious that Americans eat dogs they decide to give it a try. So they order two hot dogs and sit down at a nearby bench to eat. One sister unwraps hers first, sees what it is and with a gleam in her eye, asks her sister " which part did you get".

no wonder they want to jiihad on us.... I told the guy to keep his jiihad to himself...

[zerocrash]

On a recent trip - as I booked into a hotel , I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's regular porn... you sick bastard."

LOL only cuz I know it's not a joke, but a true story from your last weekend get away...

[Cypress]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'

[RVTPilot]

A well-to-do couple is having a conversation about cutting back on expenses thanks to the weak economy. As each comes up with sacrafices the other can make, the discussion becomes a bit more heated with each exchange. Finally the husband exclaims, "you know, if you knew how to cook, we could fire the chef!" To which the wife replied, "well if you knew how to fuck, we could fire the gardener!"

[Cypress]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'

[CbrGirl]

Wow....you guys are killing me! Thanks for the Friday morning laugh!

[Cypress]

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."