Jokes.................

[ninjachic]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohio...If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Ohio. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Ohio. If you've had a lengthy telephone ...conversation with someone who dialed a wrong... number, you may live in Ohio. If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dayton for the weekend, you may live in Ohio. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio. If you install

security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Ohio. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio.

[ninjachic]

Wal-Mart announced that, in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item; Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range to compete with Trader Joe's Two Buck Chuck.

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

[ninjachic]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as those of smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[ninjachic]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[gen3flygirl]

Or having universal health care

[Scruit]

Or having universal health care

Or being a Brit. Which means both.

[redbarron77]

Or being a Brit. Which means both.

Out of rep to give to you!

[snot]

^done p0rn master

[ScubaCinci]

My wife packed all my things last night and put them in the front yard.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you miserable bastard!"

“Oh,” I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"

[ScubaCinci]

I met an older woman at a club last night. This isn't usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear. She asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

[ScubaCinci]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello."

He's rather taken aback because he can't remember or place her, so he asks, "Do I know you?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[redbarron77]

would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said "I would like to give praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him". You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now" she announced in a quivering voice "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely". All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. After a few brief moments, a man stood up and walked slowly and with some difficulty to the podium. He said "I'm Phil". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum".

[redbarron77]

Once in a while I do something really dumb and I get all pissed off at myself. 

Fortunately, the makeup sex is awesome.

[redbarron77]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 
'What is 3 x 3?' 

Harry: 
'9.' 

Principal: 
'What is 6 x 6?' 

Harry: 
'36.' 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade' 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' 

The principal and Harry both agreed. 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 

Harry: 'Pants.' 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' 

Harry: 'Shake hands .' 

The principal was trembling. 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' 

Harry: 
'Firetruck.' 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the 
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[redbarron77]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. 

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . 

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. 

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. 

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. 

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. 

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. 

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. 

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. 
 

[redbarron77]

Medical Fact: 
 

If a woman has two glasses of wine it will increase the chance of a stroke. 


If you give her the whole bottle, she may suck it a little too! 

[redbarron77]

This is Scary.....I've read that 25% of American women are on medication for mental disorders.  It scares the hell out of me because that means 75% of them are untreated!

[snot]

This is Scary.....I've read that 25% of American women are on medication for mental disorders.  It scares the hell out of me because that means 75% of them are untreated!

75% are single?

[Gump]

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

 

Virgin mobil.

[Anden]

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

Anal sex will brown your meat.

[redbarron77]

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1

 

just page through the customer reviews.....try not to laugh too hard!

[CBBaron]

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1

 

just page through the customer reviews.....try not to laugh too hard!

I'm dying laughing. Best thing posted here.

Edited January 16, 2014 by CBBaron

[magley64]

I'm dying laughing. Best thing posted here.

along the same lines..

 

http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U