Jokes.................

[Limenine9r]

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 50lbs

[redbarron77]

If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

[redbarron77]

A doctor just had sex with a patient, and he feels really bad about it.

He than hears a voice in his head saying ''Don't feel bad about it, doctors have sex with their patients all the time.''

He than hears another voice saying ''Dude, you're a Veterinarian!''

[redbarron77]

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over", he said.

[redbarron77]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

[redbarron77]

A woman walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are.

"Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

The woman responds, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?"

[redbarron77]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil allover him and then she dusted him with talcum powder."Don"t move until I tell you to." she whispered.

"Just pretend you are a statue."

"What is this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it is just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue". Later that night they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here" he said to the statue, "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[redbarron77]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

( It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife. )

[redbarron77]

"...and you never listen to a word I say."

Is a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

[redbarron77]

There Are At Least EIGHT Types Of ORGASM FOR A WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes......... ......

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.......... .......

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.........

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...... ....

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God......... ......... ....

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More........ ......... .

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH.. .Deeper.. .Deeper.. . GO DEEPER!!

[Gump]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,

firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

“Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sexy night gown.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[redbarron77]

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer

leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."

[OsuMj]

Did you hear that Ruger is coming out with a new commemorative pistol in honor of the US Senate and House Representatives? It will be named the congressman. It doesn't work and you can't fire it!

[redbarron77]

"Jesus loves you."

A nice thing to hear in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

[Gump]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a

very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to

take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the

table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and

climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks

what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies

have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he

will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to

locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and

quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window

to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you

have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

[redbarron77]

"Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT FUCKING FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"

[ninjachic]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my and heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Guess I need to start asking for directions...

[ninjachic]

When hurricane Sandy stuck the East Coast, even houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman from New Jersey and asked how the loss of churches in the area would affect their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's"

[ninjachic]

A lady walks into Tiffany's..she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...good looking as well.

Cook as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam..if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[redbarron77]

On a frigid cold winter day, officer Mike was on patrol, and noticed a motorcycle stopped on the side of the road.

The motorcyclist was covered from head to toe in cold winter gear, standing next to the bike, shivering in the cold.

Mike pulled up and asked, "What's the problem?"

Biker replies through a slightly opened visor, "It's so cold, the carburetor has frozen up!"

Mike of course says, "Just pee on it, and it'll start right up."

The motorcyclist says, "I can't!"

So Mike gets out of his cruiser and says, "Here's how you do it." Whips it out, pees on the carburetor, and starts the bike right up.

Both go on their separate way.

A few days later at roll call, Mike's sergeant calls Mike up front to read a thank you card from the motorcyclist's father, "I would like to thank officer Mike for helping out my stranded daughter..."

[redbarron77]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

[redbarron77]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[redbarron77]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

[redbarron77]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[redbarron77]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'