Dealing with alcoholics,addictes,etc..

[Nate1647545505]

I've come to the realization I'll be marrying into a family that has a side that is heavy alcoholic / pain medication addiction.

 

I grew in a very 1950's Italian family where a glass of wine was normal with Sunday dinner, beer/liquor was rarely around the house, and I've never seen my parents drunk/come home drunk/high/etc.

 

All I can say is I'm uncomfortable around it. I'm really not sure how to deal with it, or even approach it.

 

Has anyone had any experiences with this?

[RedRocket1647545505]

Almost daily

[Snowflake]

Have an intervention one at a time.

[kirks5oh]

beware that to a certain extent it can be genetic. not to say that kids of alcoholic parents will automatically have addiction issues, but approximately 12% of people are predisposed to addiction of one type or another, and there is a genetic basis for that. good luck

[HotCarl]

So is your wife a big drinker? How are you just finding out about this now?

 

Honestly what can you do about it? Are you going to confront all of your inlaw's at one time and say what they're doing is wrong and makes you feel uncomfortable? Not trying to sound like a dick but there's not a whole lot you can do in a situation like this. My advice is talk to your fionce' but other than that there's not a whole lot you can do.

[ArmyOfDarkness]

Start drinking with them.

[unfunnyryan]

Move away.

[Orion]

beware that to a certain extent it can be genetic. not to say that kids of alcoholic parents will automatically have addiction issues, but approximately 12% of people are predisposed to addiction of one type or another, and there is a genetic basis for that. good luck

 

My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and my dad is an alcoholic as well. There are drug addictions and alcoholism all throughout my family. If there was anyone predisposed to be one, it's me. But I'm not. Why? Bcause I DON"T DRINK. Alcoholism is a disease that one chooses to have, regardless of genetics.

 

Nate, run. Run Fast and Far. I cannot stress enough to you how much something like this in the ones you love can completely wreck shit for you. And you can't make them better.

[HotCarl]

My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and my dad is an alcoholic as well. There are drug addictions and alcoholism all throughout my family. If there was anyone predisposed to be one, it's me. But I'm not. Why? Bcause I DON"T DRINK. Alcoholism is a disease that one chooses to have, regardless of genetics.

 

Nate, run. Run Fast and Far. I cannot stress enough to you how much something like this in the ones you love can completely wreck shit for you. And you can't make them better.

 

I agree, im sure alot of people may have a predisposition to abusing alcohol or drugs but everyone has free will, everyone decides if they want to. No one makes you do something you dont want to do. I get it if you've been drinking for years and are a full blown alcoholic and need it to live but you made a decision many years ago that started this cycle. Dont blame your parents b/c they had a liquer cabinet with a broken lock.

 

Everyone in my family drinks. some do it more than others, some might even abuse it a little bit. I drink MAYBE once a week (hey im getting old) but i dont NEED it and no one can MAKE me drink.

[frenchy chan]

my mom's side of the family is alcoholics and my fiance's parents/family are also alcoholics....it sucks ass...that is all i can say

 

they drink so much that they embarrass themselves...i hate family functions because of this stuff....i dread actually getting married because of this stuff....

 

good luck....

[Guest 614Streets]

Use the situation to your advantage. Also try relaxing and having a drink.

 

Do not take them too serious when they are drinking.

[Tractor]

As long as your fiance isn't also an alcoholic you can at least escape it on a day, week, forever basis. If she has a problem it might be best to address it before your married because I can almost guarantee that it will be far worse for you once your hitched.

 

If her family is very important to her than it will be annoying having to deal with that. I deal with not drugs, but white trash/criminal inlaws and thats bad enough.

[944s2]

my mom's side of the family is alcoholics and my fiance's parents/family are also alcoholics....it sucks ass...that is all i can say

 

they drink so much that they embarrass themselves...i hate family functions because of this stuff....i dread actually getting married because of this stuff....

 

good luck....

 

This must be terrible.

I know they consider most anyone that drinks consistently an alcoholic but IMO there are really two types.

 

1. One that can go out and drink socially, parties hard on occasion, maybe even has a beer a few times a week, BUT does not need it and or cannot be made to drink it.

 

2. Someone who HAS to have alcohol to function or survive on a day to day basis. Someone who cannot live without it.

 

I consider myself in category 1, I know that I could stop at any time and be just fine with it. I really do enjoy trying new beers though. Especially micro brews.

[Mojoe]

As I'm learning, some battles just aren't worth fighting. Be upfront with her and give her the option. You will be miserable in that environment and it's self demeaning. Don't beat yourself up just so she's happy.

[frenchy chan]

This must be terrible.

I know they consider most anyone that drinks consistently an alcoholic but IMO there are really two types.

 

1. One that can go out and drink socially, parties hard on occasion, maybe even has a beer a few times a week, BUT does not need it and or cannot be made to drink it.

 

2. Someone who HAS to have alcohol to function or survive on a day to day basis. Someone who cannot live without it.

 

I consider myself in category 1, I know that I could stop at any time and be just fine with it. I really do enjoy trying new beers though. Especially micro brews.

 

 

it is terrible...and my mom is #2...she's a functioning alcoholic...her house is super clean and she goes to work....but she HAS to drink...i hate being around her

[Bam]

My moms side is all alcoholics, and although most of them have gotten clean in the past 10-15 years, a couple haven't and they are a drain every way you can imagine, not so much on me but on my mom/grandma/aunts/uncles, etc

 

Hopefully she isnt that close with them or they live far away and you only have to see them during holidays and such, otherwise you may be in for a rude awakening when you're actually 'family'.

[HotCarl]

my mom's side of the family is alcoholics and my fiance's parents/family are also alcoholics....it sucks ass...that is all i can say

 

they drink so much that they embarrass themselves...i hate family functions because of this stuff....i dread actually getting married because of this stuff....

 

good luck....

 

Sounds like a dry wedding to me.

 

Seriously though, my sister is "type 2", i lived with her for a few months before getting my own place and it was almost sad. I HATED being around her when she drank (which was almost every night) I had to deal with alot of bullshit such as her trying to cook while she was wasted, she'd leave the gas oven with the door open, the fridge wide open and the top burner on, im not kidding i came home one night at midnight to find this. Another night she left the sliding glass door wide open, anyone couldve just walked onto our patio and right into our living room. It just made me sad and then angry at her for acting the way she did. Its easier to brush it off to the side but every now and then the subject will pop up again.

 

All of my family drinks, however my sister is the only one who legitamatly has a drinking problem. We had a family wedding this past weekend and we were all a little loose but it was fun.

[Nate1647545505]

Thanks for all the input, I'll try to explain as I'm collecting my thoughts. Timing is shitty as I'm deploying March so, well, you know....

 

I realize you're never going to find someone who agrees with you 100%, however I feel that any relationship has to have common moral grounds. We agree on simple things - hard work, giving back, and overall being responsable people.

 

We differ in our upbringing, as mentioned, I'm old school - where she was raised in a more contemporary enviroment with more liberal values. Marijawanna and getting hammered weren't seen as morally "wrong".

 

Her mother was addicted to pain medication, which lead to their parents seperation after her father couldn't get her to stay clean. While she now has a decent relationship with both, she grew up drinking/smoking etc around her Mom. My parents were always my parents, so its tough for me to understand that kind of relationship.

 

When I was away she started using alcohol to cope, and she just cant drink in moderation, and shes a horrible drunk - way past the point of embaressment. I've called home only to get her in a drunken state telling me how much she hates me...army this, army that. I've talked with her about it and made it a point that if it becomes a problem, the relationship is going to end. I love and would care for her unquestionably, but I'm not going to start a family with someone who has such a destructive vice.

 

I try to reflect and look at myself as I've only been shit faced a couple times (and it wasn't until my Army days), as mentioned, it's possible I should just relax. However shes made a comment that she doesn't find anything wrong with getting drunk and she'll just choose to do it when I'm not around.

 

I don't think she "needs" it, but I would say if she's stressed she'll turn to it.

 

I'm at the point of: Do I accept everyone isn't perfect and try me best to help? Do I end the relationship because there's a chance of history repeating itself?

 

The ironic part of this is, she's near post-doc for her PhD in Immunology and Pathology...

[John Bruh]

when she drinks and gets drunk when your not around then she'll find someone else or just sleep with them.

[CRed05]

"I do it just to relax" You know what that means? Dependency.

 

Fuck that shit, I say talk to her, tell her how you feel and if it doesn't improve within a reasonable time, GTFO.

[CRed05]

when she drinks and gets drunk when your not around then she'll find someone else or just sleep with them.

 

True story

[Bam]

End it Nate...I'm sorry to say but it DOES NOT GET EASIER as people get older. She has to REALLY want to change, and obviously it doesn't sound that way.

 

I've been in a similar situation and have made a definitive decision that I cannot and will not deal with it my entire life, it just simply isn't worth it not matter how much you like/love/care about the other person, it won't work out in the end.

 

Sorry to hear man, best luck with everything.

[99BlownYellowGT]

End it Nate...I'm sorry to say but it DOES NOT GET EASIER as people get older. She has to REALLY want to change, and obviously it doesn't sound that way.

 

I've been in a similar situation and have made a definitive decision that I cannot and will not deal with it my entire life, it just simply isn't worth it not matter how much you like/love/care about the other person, it won't work out in the end.

 

Sorry to hear man, best luck with everything.

 

I agree with this. If she was showing signs of hate while you were away and she was drunk it is hard to tell what she has done while drunk or what she might be capable of.

 

Good luck.

[RC K9]

My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and my dad is an alcoholic as well. There are drug addictions and alcoholism all throughout my family. If there was anyone predisposed to be one, it's me. But I'm not. Why? Bcause I DON"T DRINK. Alcoholism is a disease that one chooses to have, regardless of genetics.

 

Nate, run. Run Fast and Far. I cannot stress enough to you how much something like this in the ones you love can completely wreck shit for you. And you can't make them better.

 

That is how I always looked at it. I will preface what I am about to say with, "This is my best Opinion."

 

As with a lot of things in life, I would think some people physically/genetically my develope an addiction to something more easily or stronger than others, but a majority of the issue seems to be mental. Smokers for example. I know people that have quit cold turkey relatively easily and others that have an extrememly hard time quitting. Everyone's body reacts differently. But it starts out as a mental thing before it becomes a physical addiction. You start smoking because you think it's cool or because everyone around you does it so you conciously or subconciously make the decision to start smoking. Eventually your body becomes addicted to that substance, and that is where I would think genetics may play a role in how difficult it is for tha person to start functioning without that substance.

 

Again, just specualtion on my part...

[RC K9]

Thanks for all the input, I'll try to explain as I'm collecting my thoughts. Timing is shitty as I'm deploying March so, well, you know....

 

I realize you're never going to find someone who agrees with you 100%, however I feel that any relationship has to have common moral grounds. We agree on simple things - hard work, giving back, and overall being responsable people.

 

We differ in our upbringing, as mentioned, I'm old school - where she was raised in a more contemporary enviroment with more liberal values. Marijawanna and getting hammered weren't seen as morally "wrong".

 

Her mother was addicted to pain medication, which lead to their parents seperation after her father couldn't get her to stay clean. While she now has a decent relationship with both, she grew up drinking/smoking etc around her Mom. My parents were always my parents, so its tough for me to understand that kind of relationship.

 

When I was away she started using alcohol to cope, and she just cant drink in moderation, and shes a horrible drunk - way past the point of embaressment. I've called home only to get her in a drunken state telling me how much she hates me...army this, army that. I've talked with her about it and made it a point that if it becomes a problem, the relationship is going to end. I love and would care for her unquestionably, but I'm not going to start a family with someone who has such a destructive vice.

 

I try to reflect and look at myself as I've only been shit faced a couple times (and it wasn't until my Army days), as mentioned, it's possible I should just relax. However shes made a comment that she doesn't find anything wrong with getting drunk and she'll just choose to do it when I'm not around.

 

I don't think she "needs" it, but I would say if she's stressed she'll turn to it.

 

I'm at the point of: Do I accept everyone isn't perfect and try me best to help? Do I end the relationship because there's a chance of history repeating itself?

 

The ironic part of this is, she's near post-doc for her PhD in Immunology and Pathology...

 

Not trying to burst your bubble, I sincerely care about this, and I need to say it just to get it off my chest, these things take SERIOUS consideration.

 

1.) You can't make a person change, they need to mae the decision to do that on their own. If you marry her and try to change her, she will hate you for it. Also, do you want to marry someone banking on the fact that they will change?

 

2.) Bringing kids into the situation is going to complicate the dynamics even more. It's one thing to have subtle differences of opion, it's another to not be on the same page with moral convictions on serious matters, and I would think her issues cause a big confliction.

 

I could not marry someone that ever said they hated me, whether they are drunk or not. If that is how she feels when she is drunk, that's how she feels when she is sober but she can use her drunkness as an excuse to say things like that because she is still in the collge "I was drunk so it's OK" mentality.