Drewhop Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 I would gtfo now. A year from now the thread titled. "I am away saving our country and my new wife cheated on me" Is not a good topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bruh Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 2.) Bringing kids into the situation is going to complicate the dynamics even more. It's one thing to have subtle differences of opion, it's another to not be on the same page with moral convictions on serious matters, and I would think her issues cause a big confliction. kids only make it a million times worse. Idk if you have kids or not, but i was raised very conserative and my mom and dad were divorced as well. And I know I put up with more BS just to make "our family" stay together, but once there is an issue there will always be. I tried to change my ex for years and all it did was bite me in the ass. Though it should be paying off here really so, as the tables are turned and I should be getting my son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HotCarl Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 Thanks for all the input, I'll try to explain as I'm collecting my thoughts. Timing is shitty as I'm deploying March so, well, you know.... I realize you're never going to find someone who agrees with you 100%, however I feel that any relationship has to have common moral grounds. We agree on simple things - hard work, giving back, and overall being responsable people. We differ in our upbringing, as mentioned, I'm old school - where she was raised in a more contemporary enviroment with more liberal values. Marijawanna and getting hammered weren't seen as morally "wrong". Her mother was addicted to pain medication, which lead to their parents seperation after her father couldn't get her to stay clean. While she now has a decent relationship with both, she grew up drinking/smoking etc around her Mom. My parents were always my parents, so its tough for me to understand that kind of relationship. When I was away she started using alcohol to cope, and she just cant drink in moderation, and shes a horrible drunk - way past the point of embaressment. I've called home only to get her in a drunken state telling me how much she hates me...army this, army that. I've talked with her about it and made it a point that if it becomes a problem, the relationship is going to end. I love and would care for her unquestionably, but I'm not going to start a family with someone who has such a destructive vice. I try to reflect and look at myself as I've only been shit faced a couple times (and it wasn't until my Army days), as mentioned, it's possible I should just relax. However shes made a comment that she doesn't find anything wrong with getting drunk and she'll just choose to do it when I'm not around. I don't think she "needs" it, but I would say if she's stressed she'll turn to it. I'm at the point of: Do I accept everyone isn't perfect and try me best to help? Do I end the relationship because there's a chance of history repeating itself? The ironic part of this is, she's near post-doc for her PhD in Immunology and Pathology... I take back all of my previous comments/advice. After reading this post I get the feeling your at the very least questioning either yourself or your relationship. Dont. If your even asking yourself these questions the last thing you want to go is get married, honestly i say end it. You said it self when you said its a "destructive vice", one of which WILL NOT simply go away after a heart to heart conversation. Yes she knows how you feel b/c youve made it known but your dealing with an addiction, something she feels isnt wanted but needed. And if your not confident that she WONT drink if she gets stressed out then she needs it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HotCarl Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 Also compare your situation now and think of what a relationship would be like if you were with a woman with similar morals and values. Would you be happier? Less stressed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 Sometimes if you don't know, that really means that you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nate1647545505 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 I don't question her loyalty or fidelity, even when she is hammered. I've spoken with her a few times about it, but she gets very defensive (to the point where she takes everything I say as accusation that she's a horrible person). The more and more I get to know service members and their spouses, they all say the same thing, she'll always be unhappy when the big green A comes first in your life. When we first met, I told her I could't (legally) be around the mary J as her brother/wife are huge potheads/free tibets/save the whales/etc nor do I want it in the house or around me. I've always felt your body, your temple - unless it effects the relationship. We have never had a problem with it, ever. Did I change her? Did she just grow out of it? I don't know. DJ, I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts along with everyone else. My brain is scrambled eggs right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nate1647545505 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 I take back all of my previous comments/advice. After reading this post I get the feeling your at the very least questioning either yourself or your relationship. Dont. If your even asking yourself these questions the last thing you want to go is get married, honestly i say end it. You said it self when you said its a "destructive vice", one of which WILL NOT simply go away after a heart to heart conversation. Yes she knows how you feel b/c youve made it known but your dealing with an addiction, something she feels isnt wanted but needed. And if your not confident that she WONT drink if she gets stressed out then she needs it. We're not marrying until after my service is up, so there's a good 3-4 years of time we have (and more deployments) to see things through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smokin5s Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 dude, I'll be honest, I think a few people have touched on a much deeper issue, she should NEVER tell you that she hates you... My opinion is drinking every once in a blue moon is not an issue, but drinking because you are depressed or as a crutch is a very bad thing. You cannot change her... she needs to want to change and as long as she doesn't see it as an issue, there is nothing you can do. Now you need to decide, do you want to live your life like this... my guess is no. Hell, maybe if you leave her, it will be a wakeup call to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
99ta Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 I am with everyone else. I would want to be in a relationship where everytime I am gone she gets wasted and does who knows what...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC K9 Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 kids only make it a million times worse. Idk if you have kids or not, but i was raised very conserative and my mom and dad were divorced as well. And I know I put up with more BS just to make "our family" stay together, but once there is an issue there will always be. I tried to change my ex for years and all it did was bite me in the ass. Though it should be paying off here really so, as the tables are turned and I should be getting my son. What I see in situations when kids are in the picture is the parents try to use the kids as leverage against the other parent. I am thinking of two people I know very well as I type this and that is wholly and completely inappropriate. A child is not a tool used to barter or threaten with but that is inevitabley what will happen in a marriage without love. And from the sounds of it, the fact that she tells you she hates you, drunk or sober, should be your crystal ball as to what will happen in the future. Yes, my wife and I have passionate disagreements and we get in extrememly frustratiing situations occasinally and we may hate the situation or state of things but my wife and I both understand that we LOVE each other. No matter how angry or frustrated we get, we each know that each one has a deep love for the other and I can't imagine eiather one of us telling the other we hate them. The way I look at order of importance is this it is this: 1.) God/Morality 2.) Each Other 3.)Children (when we have them) 4.) everything else If you are on the same level and understanding morally, and that is # 1, then you both have a common goal. You are both reaching for the same thing; therefore, you are a team that supports one another working towards the same goal. If you two aren't on the same level morally (which it sounds like you are not), then how can anything positive come from the relationship? A house divided can not stand. That will lead to confusion among your children which won't be fair to them. I may sound like a nutcase but these are all things I had to take into consideration before deciding to get married.... Again, just my $.02 so take it for what it's worth, and if it's worth nothing, then leave it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KillJoy Posted October 6, 2010 Report Share Posted October 6, 2010 I think I am out of rum.... can someone go met me a bottle or two? KillJoy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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