Orion Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Not sure if you guys were aware, but we are rapidly approaching the “end of the mayan calender” apocalypse. There have been numerous documentaries, articles, conspiracy theories, jokes, poems, limericks, songs and even one major motion picture devoted to the various and sundry ways that the world is going to be irrevocably changed and/or destroyed in the next year or so. Most of them center on some sort of natural disaster (mega-quake, supervolcano), cosmic catastrophe (comet/asteroid impact, alien invasion), our own self destructive nature finally getting over on us (nuclear war, biological nightmare weapon unleashed on public), or even supernatural occurrence (the sounding of the great trumpet, ley line energy eruption, MOTHER EFFING ZOMBIES!). However, I have discovered what truly will be the undoing of man. It has already begun in India, and it is far more terrifying than any of the aforementioned cataclysms (yes, even the zombies). Spiders. I’m not freaking kidding. Disclaimer, the pictures I am about to show you may cause you to spontaneously lose control of your bladder, bowels, or perhaps even your mind. http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-adult_34026_600x450.jpg “Sanjay? Sanjay! Dang it, that’s the last time I tell him it’s ok to go climb a tree…” http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-children_34027_600x450.jpg Perhaps I should be wearing this bucket on my head… http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-debris_34029_600x450.jpg The real reason flamethrowers were developed http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-water_34032_600x450.jpg I think I would actually be praying for MORE rain…. http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-close-up_34028_600x450.jpg http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h23/lhiannonshee/pakistan-floods-drive-spiders-into-trees-overview-mosquitoes_34031_600x450.jpg Those are trees. Trees that have, apparently, committed a sin against nature that is so dastardly that they have been possessed by a creature that is so gruesome that God/evolution has specifically created a portion of our brain just to ensure we have a healthy fear of them. Apparently, the monsoon season in India/Pakistan was so bad this year that they received ten years’ worth of rain in a week. No joke. It’s as if the world itself has decided that it is tired of calling customer service only to hear someone with a hindu accent try to convince it that their name is “Robert”, and it’s going to effing do something about it. When the entire country was treated to the second coming of Noah’s flood and somehow managed not to drown, God decided to up the ante with the above plague. The floods have taken their sweet time receding, and that has force millions, if not billions of insects into the trees, where it has quickly become apparent that in a microecosystem where only the strong survive, the spiders have got that shit on lock. Normally, spiders are very territorial, and notoriously cannibalistic (“Pay no attention to the struggling beneath the web, I’m just teaching the kids to mind their manners”), however they have quickly formed an alliance the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since chocolate and peanut butter. These are not even all the same type of spider, these are hundreds or thousands of different species, all living in relative harmony, probably even intermingling to create one super species of spider designed specifically to finish the job that the floods began. Each of these trees is a veritable cesspool of dirty, dirty spider orgies, the result of which will devour us all, screaming, while our insides are turned to mush and slowly slurped up like so many strawberry milkshakes. Save your last bullets for yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Jones Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Spiders are our friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8 Beast Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 So... if I get bit by one of these superspiders will it finally be acceptable for me to wear my red tights? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morabu Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 "yawns".....i see that shit all the time down south Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedRocket1647545505 Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Well if they're all in the trees, then that makes it that much easier to find and kill them. India's air quality sucks anyways. They don't need trees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion Posted December 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Seriously? All the time? Were talking spiders here, not bag worms. Hell, I see a lot of bag worms driving around in Ohio. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ef8sirJunkie Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 drive out to newark there are a few trees that look like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 Less mosquitoes in those trees to spread disease. Sounds good to me. If you're there, just stay the fuck out of the trees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImUrOBGYN Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 "yawns".....i see that shit all the time down south Those aren't generally spiders. To the OP: You're far too late. This community spiders have already been found in South America, Central America and now within the good 'ol USofA. Here's another thought: Quite a few species of ants, most notably the Argentine, have evolved into the development of multi-queen mounds encompassing hundres and hundreds of sq miles. Im talking literally large enough to be in two countries. A single, multi queen colony! (Yes, it is possible to test ants to see if they are from the same mound.) If you want to be amazed, look up the argentine ant and the locations of their super colonies and marvel at their size. BTW, they're in the US, now, too. As a matter of fact, I found a HUGE location near my house in Texas and had to report it. I won't get into all that here, though. No time, man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyM3rC Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 If those bastards were in my trees like that, I'd torch them all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyM3rC Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Well if they're all in the trees, then that makes it that much easier to find and kill them. Also this. Game over spiders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Pomade Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 First, it's taken too long for someone to give DJ props for a great write-up. Very well written, funny, etc. *applause* Second, if I understand this correctly, then what we're witnessing is kind of like form of accelerated evolution? The whole place flooded, I imagine a bunch of insects died, and the "smart" ones (either by intellect or by dumb luck) happened to crawl up the trees and ended up living. Enter now the spiders, who've realized that if they cast a web around the whole tree they've basically just encapsulated free meals for life. That's amazing, especially if - like DJ said - they aren't all the same species of spider. That would mean they evolved the ability to work collaboratively (even if they don't know they are) for the purposes of taking advantage of the situation that happened by chance (i.e., all the bugs being up in the trees all at once). Very cool shit. And fucking scary. Fuck spiders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AC66Bronco Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 I see tent worm webs. Pics of spiders naoi! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceGhost Posted December 13, 2011 Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 Going to the store to stock up on raid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion Posted December 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2011 First, it's taken too long for someone to give DJ props for a great write-up. Very well written, funny, etc. *applause* Thanks, submitted it to "Cracked". We'll see what happens. Also, one of the articles I read about this said this; "If you stand under the trees, you will literally get hundreds of little spiders falling down onto you". *shudders* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drewhop Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 First, it's taken too long for someone to give DJ props for a great write-up. Very well written, funny, etc. *applause* Second, if I understand this correctly, then what we're witnessing is kind of like form of accelerated evolution? The whole place flooded, I imagine a bunch of insects died, and the "smart" ones (either by intellect or by dumb luck) happened to crawl up the trees and ended up living. Enter now the spiders, who've realized that if they cast a web around the whole tree they've basically just encapsulated free meals for life. That's amazing, especially if - like DJ said - they aren't all the same species of spider. That would mean they evolved the ability to work collaboratively (even if they don't know they are) for the purposes of taking advantage of the situation that happened by chance (i.e., all the bugs being up in the trees all at once). Very cool shit. And fucking scary. Fuck spiders. Evolution :gabe: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motozachl Posted December 14, 2011 Report Share Posted December 14, 2011 Spiders scream when lit on fire....i shall mail India a pack of matches Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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