A Funny for Friday....

[CbrGirl]

Colonoscopies.....

this one will really make you laugh.

Dave Barry's

colonoscopy journal:

======================

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,

to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram

of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the

place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy

procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but

I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,

'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription

for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large

enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for

now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of

America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my

preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any

solid food that day;all I had was chicken broth, which is basically

water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.You mix two packets of powder

together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because

MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -

like a mixture of goat spit and

urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody

with a great sense of humor,

state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off

your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be toographic, here,

but:have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

This is prettymuch the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to

the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you

have to drink another liter of

MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very

nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been

experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was

thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend

for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and

totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little

curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital

garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,

makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already

lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their

MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this ,

but then I pondered what would

happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the

bathroom, so you were

staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would

have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the

procedure room, where

Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.

I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy

had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the

anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that

could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'

had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had

been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare

yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.

One moment, ABBA was yelling

'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the

tambourine,' and the next moment, I was

back in the other room, waking up in

a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I

felt. I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy

told me that It was all over, and that my

colon had passed with flying

colors. I have never been prouder of an

internal organ.

ABOUT

THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for

the Miami Herald.

========================================================

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite

humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments

made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their

colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where noman has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And

the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[warpspeed]

lol.

MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

[V4junkie]

Full of win, I think I shall give you some rep

[SchmuckGirl]

Hilarious!

[RSVDon]

[e-flores]

'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

[cbrjess0815]

Thats awesome!! everyone at work enjoyed too!!

[Cdubyah]

nothin like a little toiletry humor to make Friday a little more enjoyable.

[CbrGirl]

Glad I could make you smile on Friday! Enjoy your weekend everyone!

[wrillo]

[Casper]

win

[Gump]

FUNNY...mine was exactly like that. all i remember is the doc smiling then waking up outside with my girl by my side....odd thing is that when i see the doc that did it he has a ornry grin on his face....freaks me out.