Do it yourself maintenance

[oldschoolsdime92]

There have been several threads where members are curious about doing their own maintenance. With the thought that several here are not all that familiar with maintenance practices and tooling issues I thought I'd provide a list of common tools and their usage.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted

project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could

get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes

you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up

jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the

more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in

your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have

installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead

of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything

you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening

old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips

screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your

palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent

part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive

parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons

delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

S.O.B. TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling 'Son of a B****' at the top of your lungs. Used in

conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is

also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards

[dustinsn3485]

Nice, I've been using a couple of those wrong for a long time!

[MidgetTodd]

You forgot beer fridge

[jporter12]

The hammer is also great at breaking middle fingers...

[Likwid]

damnit, you know it so well!

I gotta fix the drill press lol

[JaysonL]

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your

palms.

^ Those had me in stitches!

SOOOOO true though.

F$(%&*@ godd*$# unremovable screws and bolts.

[hue jass]

Awesome!

[magifesq]

There have been several threads where members are curious about doing their own maintenance. With the thought that several here are not all that familiar with maintenance practices and tooling issues I thought I'd provide a list of common tools and their usage.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted

project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could

get to it.

Also useful for stretching tendons and ligaments as it snatches gloves at breakneck speeds. Has been known to use said bar stock for breaking bones in arms, hands, fingers just for its own enjoyment. Some have actually seen said machine grin and laugh after causing gross bodily harm.

Edited January 9, 2010 by magifesq
typo

[CoolWhip]

haha this is the best thing I have read in days. Anyone who has worked in a shop for more than five minutes can attest to all of these things. I will be passing this around.

[chevysoldier]

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything

you forgot to disconnect.

So true haha. Then followed by the SOB tool.

[35RFTW]

My personal favorite is the SOB tool. lolz

[Strictly Street]

SOB tool = WIN

[BornSinner]

Very Nice....Great Write Up

[KL9 F4i]

S.O.B. TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling 'Son of a B****' at the top of your lungs. Used in

conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is

also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards

HAHA Awesome and so true

[the_silverfox]

SOB tool = WIN

HAHA Awesome and so true

[Funjunkie]

:lol::lol: