I received an Abercrombie and Fitch gift card from my girlfriend for Christmas. She should have known that someone as swole as me cant fit into clothes designed for 125 lb metros who wear flip flops in winter, but what can I say?
I walk into my local mall, lats flared and aviators on. I head into A&F, remove my glasses and look around. I was a bit shocked by the awful techno blasting in my ears, and even more so when I looked around. Two male employees in purple and yellow sweaters were dancing to the music.
“F**k, this store really is for queers,” I thought to myself. I headed
over to the beaters, picked up a few and told a young girl wearing an “Oscar’s Surf Shop” t-shirt to let me into the dressing room.
<I try on the beater, and its absolutely skin tight and too short.
And its an XL too. I guess A&F wants to make its buck and a quarter
pound employees feel swole. In fact,the XL beater was so small I
couldn’t get it off. I called A&F girl into the room with me.>
Me: <grinning> I can’t get this beater off, its too tight? Care
to help?
<She took off my shirt and started gasping>
A&F girl: Oh my GOD! Your body! Your chest, your abs, its PERFECT!
Me: <shit-eating grin on my face> You don’t see many bodies like
these in this store I bet.
A&F girl rips off my pants and starts to blow me in the dressing
room stall. Ten minutes later I blew my load all over her Oscar’s
Surf Shop tshirt. At that moment, I realized what Abercrombie and Fitch was all about. It’s not just about polka dot flip flops and 12
inch biceps in pink tshirts that say “Steve’s Clam Shack”. No. It’s about stealing your parents ’46 Model T and running into the woods to have a circle jerk with other betas. Yes, I had experienced a true Abercrombie moment.
As I walked out, I threw my $50 gift card in the direction of the
two queers who were dancing to the techno. “$50 gift card here! Just think of all the ripped jeans you can buy with that!” I yelled at them, then watched as the two boys, weighing combined less than I do in the off season, pulled each others hair and slapped each other for rights to their gift card. I laughed, threw my aviators on, flared my lats, and left the mall. I had other business to attend to.