This is the standard CR member response to this question. (Feel free to copy and paste into this thread.)
"Well, first I would finish up having sex with the two supermodels in my bed and then take a bite of the sandwich that they made me earlier. Then, I would tell them, 'Ladies, it's time for daddy to go to work,' and I'd light a cigar while loading up my Desert Eagle, AK 47, sawed-off shotgun, and sniper rifle. They would blow me while I was setting the sights to my sniper rifle. Then I would cut the power lines to my house and don my infrared night goggles. I'd link up to 911 using my Bluetooth: '911, we have an emergency here. An intruder has made the misfortune of trespassing into my sanctuary and now will be sacrified to the God of War. I will leave this line open for communication but be advised I will not respond if engaged with the enemy or in the process of stalking such. Send the coroner. Over.' Then I would proceed out of the bedroom. The intruder would undoubtedly be making a play for my 161-inch LCD and diamond-encased XBOX 360. Having anticipated such, I would go ahead an detonate my flash bombs that I have set up on the other side of my couch. That would leave the intruder dazed and bewildered. I would then run up the stairs to my balcony, rappel over, drop down behind the intruder, and slice his throat. He would gurgle and plead for me to save him. I would spit in his face and promise to creampie his girlfriend."