Post your joke here.....

[redbarron77]

Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen Pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horse shit!"

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

AND THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

"Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."

[redbarron77]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn`t know you were into earrings."

"Don`t make such a big deal, it`s only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[magley64]

Two men were driving through North Carolina when they got pulled over

by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with

his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop

smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in North Carolina , son,"

the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in North Carolina , you better

have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your

laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives

the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side

and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK,"

the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?"

the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"I know you New Yorkers ," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna

turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

[magley64]

so I was at a diner.

The lady waitress asked me what I wanted and I said the chicken breast, but I think she misheard me because she asked how I'd like my eggs.

So, not to cause trouble, I went with it, I said Incubated, and then hatched, and raised and then beheaded and plucked then gutted and cut. then I started thinking, I don't have that much time, so I said SCRAMBLED

[redbarron77]

You'll need the following:

1 c water

1 c sugar

1 c Butter

4 large eggs

2 cp dried fruit

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 cp brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Spoon.

Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

[redbarron77]

A man was in a work-related accident, and had to fill out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken

collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope...

[redbarron77]

http://glumbert.com/media/baddayoffice

I almost wet myself laughing at this....

[redbarron77]

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But you fuck one goat......."

[redbarron77]

5. I am a virgin.

4. It is so big.

3. I can't do that to my best friend.

2. I won't gain weight after marriage

1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

[redbarron77]

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not. You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece of ass for mah drink."

[redbarron77]

Be alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a drug available in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name `Beer.`

All girls have to do is buy a `Beer` or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

[redbarron77]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'

[redbarron77]

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758... If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number. ( I. e., How many times you want to go out to a restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK,

[redbarron77]

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location of The Dirt Bag.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Either way, somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[redbarron77]

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:

10. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. What the fuck was that? -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

8. Where did all these fucking Indians come from? -- Custer, 1877

7. Any fucking idiot could understand that. -- Einstein, 1938

6. It does so fucking look like her! -- Picasso, 1926

5. How the fuck did you work that out? -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. Scattered fucking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC

2 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? -- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad. -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[CbrGirl]

4. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. Scattered fucking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC

[redbarron77]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women

have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[redbarron77]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with ' In accordance with prophecy.'

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is ' To go.'

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wresting name, El Diablo.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream ' I WON! I WON!'

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives, they're loose!!'

19. Tell your children over dinner 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

[redbarron77]

A man came home drunk again for the 5th night in a row, and just like the four previous night proceeded to puke in the sink.

His wife was fed up with this routine and told him. "One of these nights you are going to puke your guts up, and I'm not going to feel sorry for you."

The next night the husband went out to the bar again, and the wife went for a walk. On her walk she came across a cat that had been hit by a car. An evil grin came across her face as she thought of a perfect use for it. She took it home, pulled it's intestines out, and placed them in the sink that her husband thew up in every night.

Sure enough, that night he came home and threw up in the sink. When he opened his eyes he nearly fainted. "OH! She was right, I did puke my guts up!"

The next morning the husband told his wife. "You were right, I did puke my guts up. But you know I didn't feel a thing. They came up real easy, but it took me almost an hour to swallow them back down!"

[redbarron77]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy HD-Rider looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Hey I warned ya!

[sonavabeech]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . The

material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed

most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us knows the

long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we

all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the

most grief and suffering for years after eating it??

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the

front row raised his hand,

and said, 'Wedding Cake.'?

[redbarron77]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

[redbarron77]

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder..."What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you ..I've changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..let's say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

[Hcstreetriding]

The Tomato, Italian Style

An old Italian lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato

garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to

plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be

digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles

would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like

in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived

and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They

apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do

under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

[DangBruhY]

how many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...anyone want to go for a bike ride??