Post your joke here.....

[DangBruhY]

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartendar notices a wheel on the pirate's crotch. The bartendar says, 'Hey do you know you have a wheel on your crotch?' The pirate reponds, 'Argh, it's driving me nuts.'

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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

========================

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

=======================

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring.

=======================

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

======================

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

======================

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,

along with a recipe.

=======================

What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

=======================

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

[DangBruhY]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path, looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground and rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear, right on top of him reaching for him with his left paw and while raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.

The river ran again.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw brought both paws together....

bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[DangBruhY]

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she

was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a l ittle proposition in her ear

and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what

kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she! asked, "Did you dance

much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got

there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"

[redbarron77]

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his

side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away

with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started

pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by

making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

[redbarron77]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!

I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

[dustinsn3485]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog, Athena, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

[redbarron77]

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[redbarron77]

"Doc says I have some good news and some bad news-which do you want to hear first?"

"I'll take the the good news."

"You're gonna have a disease named for you."

[jagr]

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?

A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. Why don't women wear watches?

A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?

A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.

A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Ladies dont get pissed. we couldnt live w/o you.

[redbarron77]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Fusion?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Fonzie?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Satan leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[redbarron77]

Why does every Harley need a big ball of grease to operate properly?

the bike won't drive itself....

[wolfman]

Thanks redbarron...I'm enjoying all these jokes. Especially adding Fusion, Fonzie and Satan in the last one..

[redbarron77]

I thought it was getting old using Billie, Tommy, etc., so the personalization might bring more smiles.

[redbarron77]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

[redbarron77]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fu*king putt, didn't you?"

[redbarron77]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

[DangBruhY]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES!

[sonavabeech]

Two hookers were walking their block. One said, "Girl! We gonna get PAID toooonite! I can smell dick in the air!"

The other laughed and said, "Bitch! I just burped!"

Edited December 11, 2008 by sonavabeech
i like the word hookers instead of prostitutes. hookers just sounds more fun.

[redbarron77]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

.......Full........

[jagr]

Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss. Can I squeeze past you?"

"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The guy starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit instead."

[Disclaimer]

Mahhhh ha ha ah ha....

Must've been a British joke

[jagr]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[e-flores]

jagr thats pretty jacked up.....

[redbarron77]

what goes....

black...........white..........black.........white........black........white.......black......white.....black....white...black..white.black-whiteblackwhite........

a nun rolling down a flight of stairs.

[sonavabeech]

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Man - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Woman - Do you want me to leave?

Man - No! Don't even think about it.

Woman - Do you love me?

Man - Of course! Always have and always will!

Woman - Have you ever cheated on me?

Man - No! Why are you even asking?

Woman - Will you kiss me?

Man - Every chance I get!

Woman - Will you hit me?

Man - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Woman - Can I trust you?

Man - Yes.

Woman - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.