Things you'd love to say at work, but don't.

[Guest Elinar Longsight]

Some are new, some are old, but they are still funny. graemlins/lol.gif

 

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

 

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. This is good!

 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

 

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

 

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

 

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

 

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?

 

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

 

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? BINGO!

 

24. Do I look like a people person?

 

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

 

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

 

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

 

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[95probegt]

i have got a good one, how about:

I QUIT!!

[Nitrousbird]

I could definately get away with some of those at work.

[pg]

I would love to say a few of those to people I work with, but mostly customers.

[old dirty bastard]

There is some good ones on there. graemlins/lol.gif

[1Quik7]

"why do women have boobs?...so you got something to look at when you're talking to 'em" -Peter Griffin

[Guest timmybgood]

i prefer to be more subtle at work, a fair share of my bosses and coworkers aren't too bright, so i insult them just beyond their grasp and leave them looking confused

[el aguila]

What I'd like to say at work-

 

Customer: Hi, can you help me?

Me: Fuck off.

[large_x7]

Office Sensitivity Training

Try saying these polite responses to your co-workers.

 

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

 

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

 

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

 

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

 

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

 

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

 

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

 

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

 

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

 

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

 

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

 

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

 

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

 

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

 

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

 

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

 

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

 

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

 

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

 

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

 

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

 

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

[Guest jpurdy2003]

Some select quotes from me to some more moronic colleauges at Pizza Hut(mostly) and other places.

 

"You want me to do what for you? I'm having a hard enough time pretending to give a shit!"

 

"Katherine, there's fat people coming in for buffet. Put them in the narrowest booth you can find."

 

"Dat's a huuuuuuuuuuge bitch."

 

"She throws the salad in MY face and I'M belligerent?"

 

Interesting things that have happened to me at Pizza Slut:

 

An elderly nursing home resident orders a pizza and has no recollection of it upon my arrival 15 minutes after the order prints.

 

Chased by a mob of russians who had been staking out their adult daughter's house and mistook me for their daughter's boyfriend.

 

Attacked by the most vicious poodle known to man.

 

Propositioned by jailbait.

 

Witnessed a carjacking.

 

Had my car paintballed (halloween).

 

Been greeted at the door by a creepy old woman in lingerie. It was pouring rain and she asked me if I wanted to "come inside and dry off." I told her that "I feel safer out here." Crazy bitch still tipped me $5.00 on a $17.XX order.

 

Had fat bitches strike up conversation with me like I'm their friend or something months after my last delivery to them. When you deliver pizzas, you are Santa Claus to a fat bitch.

 

There's more but my fingers are tired.

[96MustangCobra]

Hahaha, I would love to say things like that to my boss during summer but I think I would much rather take the Scarface way in Half Baked when he quits in the movie. Throw a burger at a customer and bounce.

[Guest DanTheMan212000]

After being in Iraq with bullshit leadership, we say things worse than that. It's to the point, they don't do anything about it. To scared. If others at your work think the same, become a team and gang up on the asshole boss or superviser. It's great.They'll start being cool. I'll probably get fired my first job home. It's all about putting people on front street. Haha