cptn janks Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html 'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company. I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl. We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully. Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity. At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri. So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it. Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically. It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready. I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared. She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?" Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper. I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately. I tell her simply, "You're screwed". Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared. I continue. "I am sterile" Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it." I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine." This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes." I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine." I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing. I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing. Epilogue - I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women. The Moral of the Story - Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike_Shepard Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Gawd I love stories like this. Makes me wanna get one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98fiveseven1647545503 Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 bad ass bitch seemed to have it coming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
77nova Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 That is fucking awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Jones Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Hehe Best money I've ever spent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorne Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Nice. Thats awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
copperhead Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Hehe Best money I've ever spent So it was you that wrote that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KillJoy Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Hehe Best money I've ever spent WE just consider it chlorine for the gene pool. :thumbup: KillJoy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 My favorite part.....classic. "She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest temptina Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 that was the best story this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buck531 Posted February 14, 2007 Report Share Posted February 14, 2007 Hehe Best money I've ever spent Same here.. $60. First $30 for the co-pay to talk to the doc, second was for the snipping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Science Abuse Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 I'm very protective of my seed. Someone has to breed you punters out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HotCarl Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 why did he print the story on craigslist? either way, great fuckin' story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6 Speed S4 Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 hahaha that is amazing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Z06G Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 smooth story Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mushijobah Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 Silly bitch doesn't understand women will never outsmart a man. Great plot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirks5oh Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 you can still get a girl pregnant for some time after a vasectomy. it is true that no new sperm will make it out of your nuts, but some that has already been produced and mixed with semen will make it out. that is why they tell you to use protection after a vasectomy for a while. this guy is either full of shit or dumb, or lucky, or a combination of the three. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Science Abuse Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 better shoot those into a plastic cup and put it in the freezer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin R. Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 you can still get a girl pregnant for some time after a vasectomy. it is true that no new sperm will make it out of your nuts, but some that has already been produced and mixed with semen will make it out. that is why they tell you to use protection after a vasectomy for a while. this guy is either full of shit or dumb, or lucky, or a combination of the three. That is why he got tested for any remaining presence of sperm, and it came out negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ansonivan Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 Silly bitch doesn't understand women will never outsmart a man. Great plot! Yea, I hate women too... since misogyny is the hot ticket here in the midwest... homosexuals too... why don't we throw in black people and mexicans while we're at it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPLN SUX Posted February 16, 2007 Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Jones Posted February 16, 2007 Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 Yea, I hate women too... since misogyny is the hot ticket here in the midwest... homosexuals too... why don't we throw in black people and mexicans while we're at it? Don't you have a sandwich to make or some cleaning to do ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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