anonymous post about a friend's suicide

[Casper]

I was asked to post this for a member on here who wants to remain anonymous. It's just something they needed to get off their chest, and I agreed to post it for them.

I hope everyone that reads this takes it whatever they find it to be worth, and I hope that none of you find this anonymity off-putting in any way. I hope anyone could find some use for me writing this, and it shouldn't matter who writes it, as I will get something out of it as well, simply in a different way. I've met and talked with a great group of people through this community, and I've listened and spoken to many more that I plan on meeting in many seasons to come. I've found we have a great group here, and so I thought a lot about who I'd talk to if I needed a group to listen, and this is certainly where I'd choose to start. As the misty-eyed introduction is out of the way, I suppose I should accomplish something with this time, so on to it.

This past summer, one of the oldest friends I've ever had the pleasure of knowing killed himself. it's not often people are able to have real quality friends in their lives, and it's all the less common to have events transpire that allow to you know for sure the quality of your friendship, and exactly how much it's absence would mean to you if you were forced to be without it.

Not a lot of people keep their childhood friends, let alone ones from 2nd grade, but I was fortunate enough to have 5 of them. We grew up in the same village and went to the same elementary school. Chaos ensued from day one, and never let up for any of our gloriously uncivilized years. These were my original friends, the ones that all other friendships are based off. Friends comfortable enough to call their father 'Dad' every time you walked into the house unannounced and went right to the fridge to make yourself something from their hard-earned food stores. You get drunk for the first time there, high for the first time there (don't judge; capricious youth), and I even nailed my first chick at a drunken party in the basement. That's right, all 30 seconds of it. I was great, she loved it. The point is, these guys are brothers, and you get to know your brothers pretty well, even the bad parts.

My friend had always been just a bit more 'moody' when we were younger. It wasn't until we were a bit older that we really figured out that he was depressed. He was always a bit more wild that most of us, and his parents were not the patient type. He had a very rough spot at the end of High School, and he was shipped off to boarding school, where his depression worsened and he developed full-blown Manic Anxiety. He was never really the same after he came back, but we never treated him or our relationship any differently. We simply looked our for him more, like any brother would do.

Over time he talked sporadically about how much of a relief it would be to not be worried all the time, and we would do what we could to remind him about why he was needed here, and that certain things were never a good option. We were at a bachelor party in Windsor, and he had a panic attack, and we all packed up our shit and got him home without a second thought. That's what you do for your friends, whether you're doing something for everyone, or everyone pitches in for you. We were simply outmatched, I guess. I think I'll always look back and try to think about what we could've done, but in what we've seen in the aftermath, and the more I talk and think about it, maybe we already had him longer than we would have if we hadn't done certain things.

The details of the trigger are unimportant and more personal than the point of this little précis, but sometimes certain situations can't be undone, and if you lash out against the only people keeping you grounded, then you're bound to loose you're grip. He had an attack and hurt the person he loved, and couldn’t seem to look at himself after that. It took about a day and a half, but he wrote to all of us, and went to his car with his well-cleaned 9mm pistol and shot himself in front of his house. He didn't tell anyone, and no one watched him, and I think we should all be lucky for that. He was gone that quickly and no one had a chance to change it. That image will anyways be frozen for me, but time moves on, and here we are, whether we like it or not. I miss my friend, and there will never be another like him. And I'm glad there won't be, because I don't believe anyone deserves to be. His place will always be his, and at least I had the chance to be friends with the most vibrant, outgoing, humorous, intelligent, giving person that could do anything for anyone except himself. And there's nothing else to say after that.

I don't expect anything in particular from writing this in terms of responses. I wrote it for me, and if it helps anyone else to hear it, even in the slightest bit, then I'm very honored for the chance to do so. I hope everyone has a chance to appreciate the friends that have, and don't let the opportunity to tell them pass you by. The future has a nasty habit of coming unannounced, and the only time we can count on is the past we can't change. Enjoy everyone you have now, and I hope we all hang on for a good long, crazy while.

Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it greatly.

[wrillo]

Over time he talked sporadically about how much of a relief it would be to not be worried all the time

I'd be lying if I said I didn't agree with your friend at times. Its people like you and reading stuff like this that keeps me in the fight of life. Thank you 'anonymous'

[Casper]

All I can really say is everything gets easier, both dealing with the loss of a friend and life in general.

[jagr]

I lost a friend like this a little over 2 years ago. It still hasn't gotten any easier thinking I could have paid more attention to the signs that really weren't there. He was very cryptic and methodical in his process. I still miss him. I hope he found the peace he was looking for.

[cmoosego]

sorry about your friends, sounds like you did all you could to make them feel needed and appreciated.... those that commit suicide never really know the hole they leave in the lives of those that care about them. Hopefully this post will affect someone reading it in a positive way, and it will save someone from running down the same path and leaving this world, and the people that care about them, in a senseless way. Thanks anonymous.

[12oclocker]

One of my best friends died when I was in high school, it's pretty rough. I'm very sorry for you loss buddy!

[jeremygsxr]

I lost my best friend (more like brother) about seven years ago, before that we were together nearly everyday. When I got the call from his girlfriend that he was hanging in his basement it didn't surprise me, but I'm glad I wasn't driving the car I was in. I would have crashed. Looking back, I don't know how either of us stayed alive as long as we did. Also, I believe that if he were still here, one or both of us would not be here, nor would my children.

It's been a long time and still there isn't a day I dont remember him. The only change is, my thoughts of anger and sorrow have turned to smiles. The smiles are from memories that pop up and you can't help but laugh and think "how dumb could we be?"

On a side note, when I moved back to Cincy from Cocoa Beach many years ago my friends threw a party for me. We were killing flaming dr. peppers and who knows what drugs? Anyway Kevin passed out on the couch, ended up with one sock on. This happened many times and we dubbed him the nickname one-sock aardvark. Later it was shortened to aardvark. Now my 15 month old son always runs around wearing one sock. Kind of scary, I hope he won't do what we did.

RIP Kevin Amshoff

[chevysoldier]

I hope "anonymous" has been able to deal with this loss and is doing better now.

[scottb]

I remember from high school a poster that was in the "current world topics" class. It said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Life does get rough sometimes, sometimes by our own making, sometimes by situations not from our doing. I am almost 40. I have learned it is sometimes better to be a good listener then a talker.

[chevysoldier]

I remember from high school a poster that was in the "current world topics" class. It said "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Life does get rough sometimes, sometimes by our own making, sometimes by situations not from our doing. I am almost 40. I have learned it is sometimes better to be a good listener then a talker.

I remember that phrase as well.

[danballa]

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Yeah, I remember that phrase well too. I've had my very dark moments as well, and some were not that long ago. When you are truly to that point, you, or at least I have found enough hope to get by in the smallest of actions from others. Some people, and some people on this site too, will probably never know how much influence a Smile can have on someone else. Or a gesture made from sincere caring, and good intentions. Maybe it's an offer of help, to listen, or if you happen to buy someone you just met a drink, or a meal. The list goes on. It's often been the smallest of things, that people never really think twice about doing, that have gotten me here. Thank you, to those that have helped me.

If there is anyone reading this that would like, or needs someone to listen to them, please contact me. I've been through a lot, and am willing to try to understand, and/or just listen to your dark times, depression, suicidal thoughts, or whatever is on your mind. I am Not a medical professional, but I am a honest guy who cares.

[redrocket04]

Yeah, I remember that phrase well too. I've had my very dark moments as well, and some were not that long ago. When you are truly to that point, you, or at least I have found enough hope to get by in the smallest of actions from others. Some people, and some people on this site too, will probably never know how much influence a Smile can have on someone else. Or a gesture made from sincere caring, and good intentions. Maybe it's an offer of help, to listen, or if you happen to buy someone you just met a drink, or a meal. The list goes on. It's often been the smallest of things, that people never really think twice about doing, that have gotten me here. Thank you, to those that have helped me.

If there is anyone reading this that would like, or needs someone to listen to them, please contact me. I've been through a lot, and am willing to try to understand, and/or just listen to your dark times, depression, suicidal thoughts, or whatever is on your mind. I am Not a medical professional, but I am a honest guy who cares.

You're also a good guy to show me how to get to Catalifino's.

[hollywood3586]

sorry about your loss. i lost my brother just over two years ago, the way i deal is tattoos and talking, I'm sure this made you feel better getting it off your chest. Thank you for sharing and i pray for everyone involved.. its not an easy situation, I'm still going through rough patches.. time heals all, but thats just the hard part is it takes TIME..

[zx6r_rider]

Sorry to hear about the loose of a good friend. To me you did what you could to stop it.

[RVTPilot]

It pains me to hear of these kinds of tragedies, but unfortunately they are not exactly uncommon. And yet, their commonality does not dull the pain when it happens so incredibly close to you. My heart goes out to this anonymous friend, and those surrounding this event. I have to admit having dark times myself in recent times, and while never considered offing myself, have had moments questioning my mortality. But regardless of how dark those days are, there are too many ways that they can brighten. Like danballa, I have relied on some of my truest friends to help, one of which is member here, and a brother from another mother. I remember something said to me by someone that cares for me. He said that scars, while reminders of a painful incident, are proof that we survived and continue to live. Regardless whether they are emotional or physical, those scars can inspire us to proceed when things appear insurmountable, and give us strength when times get tough.

Thanks for sharing Casper, and doing right by your friend. I am quite sure this was helpful for them, and a humble does of reality for some of us as well.

[oldschoolsdime92]

I also lost a friend alittle over a year ago. I met him in junior high, and we lost contact over the years. One weekend for whatever reason I ran into him at the bar. I never go to the bar. I was at the bar this particular night, and he was there and we drank and talked most of the night. Two weeks later, he was dead. He wrecked his pickup truck.They unplugged him the day after christmas. I was in ICU with our friends on christmas eve. He built many bobbers, and made real cool stuff out of shit. His imagination ran rampet. He rode to tennesee on a hardtailed yamaha xs650. With the approach of the riding season I have thought alot about him latley, and I am really glad to get to blabber about that for a moment. thank you. RIP Jed

Edited April 18, 2010 by oldschoolsdime92

[Wheezle]

Dear anonymous,

I want to say thank you for sharing this, in reading this it has helped me in a way I can't thank you enough for. I pray for you and the folks involved.

[Cdubyah]

Lost my grandfather to suicide 10 years ago on the 13th to suicide.It's still pretty hard to deal with. Mom seems to take it the hardest. But we have become a stronger family talking about it.

It's hard to talk about a sudden loss like that. Keep your chin up anonymous, and don't hide your feelings.

RIP Dick Eaton 04/13/2000