TOOLS EXPLAINED BY DIY

[Guest Removed]

I found it on another site, and thought i would share

 

 

 

TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER:

 

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings objects across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Rob1647545496]

LMAO. Truth.

[65belairpost]

Lol...I believe I have experienced a few of those...

[TTQ B4U]

Ha Ha! the only thing I would add is that Utility knives are also good for the occasional trimming of finger nails up to cuticle.

[dragknee66]

OMG hahaha.

 

This one had me rolling!

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

and the damnit tool is ALWAYS the DAMN tool you need next hahaha!

[Ramsey]

OMG hahaha.

 

This one had me rolling!

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

and the damnit tool is ALWAYS the DAMN tool you need next hahaha!

 

Word.

[XChris1632X]

Lol too true. I especially like the engine hoist.

[Dr. Apex]

Good stuff, definitely experienced a few of those myself!!

[cptn janks]

lol we had a table saw in our basement when i was a kid. there was a nice hole in the wall behind it from my dad doing this:

 

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

[GonneVille]

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

A few more, including some controversial "tools" from TV, and various fasteners:

 

GATOR GRIP: The best compromise between a ratchet socket and a fragmentation grenade.

 

STRAP WRENCH: Used to tear oil filter cans off of the tapping plates.

 

TELESCOPING MAGNET: Used to test the metal content of every part between yourself and a lost bolt.

 

USED OIL PAN: A container for storing drain plugs. Also an effective distribution method for used oil when stepped on.

 

JESUS CLIP: Any of various clips or retainers that securely hold any part in place for years before violently flying across the garage the instant you touch them, causing you to scream "JESUS!" Such clips and retainers are not available in any known auto parts store, and are permanently on back-order at all dealerships.

 

TORX HEAD BOLT: A bolt with a star-shaped slot, it resists stripping by snapping the end off of bit drivers.

 

PICKLE FORK: A tool for assuring economic stability in ball-joint-industry-dependent Third World countries.

 

TRANSMISSION STAND: Used to attain the greatest possible height from which to drop a transmission.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: 95% of the former, 5% of the latter.

 

BOLT CUTTERS: A useful tool for assuring simultaneous contact of the knuckles of both hands.

 

SIDE CUTTERS: A tool for quickly and efficiently cutting the red wire. Or is it the black wire? No, it must be the red wire.

 

3-JAW PULLER: A tool for bending pulleys.

 

CENTER PUNCH: A tool used to assure any drilled hole is exactly one millimeter out of alignment with it's intended match.

 

ELBOW TOOL: The tool that is inevitably exactly under your left elbow when laying under the car.

 

TOOL KIT: Where you think the elbow tool is when laying under the car.

 

GO-FER: see WIFE, CHILD, or OBNOXIOUS NEIGHBOR: A person who assists in working on the car by asking a lengthy series of questions leading to a failure to find the elbow tool.

[flippy1974]

i think i have every one of those tools lolol