redbarron77 Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 What's the difference between the Pope and your Boss?The Pope only wants you to kiss his ring.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 How can you tell if a porn star is putting gas in his car? Just before he tops off the tank he pulls the nozzle out and sprays the trunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 For you OSU fans:A man dressed in Scarlet and Gray walks into an Ann Arbor sports bar with a small dog under his arm. He says to the bartender: Hey, can I leave my dog here while I go to the OSU - Michigan game? A dog in my bar? No. But he's a special dog, the OSU fan says. In what way? The bartender asks. Well, says the Buckeye,he will watch the game on TV with you. When OSU scores, he will walk up and down the bar on his hind legs. When Michigan scores, he will walk up and down the bar on his front legs. When Ohio State wins, he will do back flips all the way down the bar and back.Wow,the bartender says. What does he do when Michigan wins? I don't know" says the Buckeye. "He's only six years old." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 Not really a joke but still funny. Supposed to be true. A California Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a new Porsche going 120 miles per hour down a barren stretch of California freeway. To his surprise, the driver greeted him enthusiastically. "I’m trying to join a Porsche club, and I have to get a ticket going at least 100 miles per hour," the driver explained. "I’ve been driving up and down California, trying to get pulled over!"The officer gave him a ticket—for 99 miles per hour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J_Copeland Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 I got an email the other day saying that they were closing Cedar Point !The reason : To keep the little kids away from Sandusky ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Z. Heimer Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 An elderly man of color walks in to the govt. patent office with a basket of apples. Mr. Patent Man..I would like to git me one of dem dare patents on my apples here....Oh sir I don't think that this would be possible,you can find them almost anywhere....Maybe so says the apple man,but deeze here is special apples....I don't think we can help you,I'm soory,replies the patent man.Just then the old man reaches into his basket and pulls out a nice shinny example and hands it over.Take you a bite Mista and tell me wutcha think....Patent man>that tastes like a pear.old man>turnit round.Patent man>that tastes like cherry.Whatcha think says the apple man?No I think not.Old man reaches back into his basket again and pulls out another example and hands it over.Try it mista.Patent man>that tastes like a peach.Old man>turnit round.Patent man>That tastes like plumb.How bout now mista says the old man isa I gonna git me one of dem dare patents? I really don't know I mean ah geeze,I will say this though,If you could make one taste like pussy we could probably accommodate you.The old man grabs at his gray bearded chin for a second then points to the sky,he then reaches back into the tattered basket,fumbles thru and pulls out yet another example of his special apples,hands it over and says>I don't really know iffin dis is whatcha is wantin but give it a try.The patent man takes a nice big bite and after about two chews promply spits it out all over his desk and shouts to the old man>Jesus Christ you old bastard,that tastes like shit.To which the old man replies>turn it around,turn it around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhondas Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.:trophy: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strictly Street Posted December 10, 2011 Report Share Posted December 10, 2011 HERE ARE 2 TEN-SECOND VIDEOS.THE FIRST IS ONE SHOWING THAT GIRLS ARE BORN THIS WAY.THE SECOND SHOWS THAT BOYS ARE BORN THIS WAY.NO OTHER EXPLANATION IS NEEDED.http://anotherealm.com/kz/Born_this_way.wmv Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea -- a nuclear power!After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that that would even come close to military leadership. He hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, let alone coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here, We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country. Never mind. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 How do you wake up Lady Gaga?Poker face! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 ^^^ With your Disco Stick! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 Ben asked his friend, Ed whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes,” came the answer from Ed who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.” “That was very kind of you,” Ben added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.” Ed smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplysix Posted January 4, 2012 Report Share Posted January 4, 2012 Whats more fun than playing with your kids?Playing with the box they came in 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Great news for all of us that hate drinking our 8 glasses of water a day! In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 A rowdy drunk gets on the bus and staggers down the aisle snarling at the other passengers. "Everybody on the right side of this bus is an asshole," he slurred. "And all of you on the left side are sons of bitches," he continued. An offended man jumped up in protest. "Hey buddy! I'm no asshole!" he declared. The drunk replied, "so then move over to the left side." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc’-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 "I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm, physically attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am, GAY?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places. Mainly in her sister's ass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplysix Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Golf and Public Restroom Similarities 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 2. Be quiet while others are about to go. 1. Keep strokes to a minimum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplysix Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Date more beautiful women. Revised- Date more. Revised again- Get a date. Revised one last time- Stop crying while masturbating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simplysix Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 WOMEN A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.No wait... Sorry.I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.Shit, never mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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