Jokes.................

[redbarron77]

A man called home to his wife and said: "Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said: 'Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegills, and a few swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

The wife replied: "I did, dear. Your new blue silk pyjamas are in your tackle box!"

[redbarron77]

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

[redbarron77]

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

[redbarron77]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[redbarron77]

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

[redbarron77]

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

[redbarron77]

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.

"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"

"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:

"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

[redbarron77]

My wife says to me the other night... "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, rammed it in, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....

She was pissed ...Turns out we don 't watch the same movies.

[redbarron77]

I swallowed two pieces of string a few hours ago and it came out tied together...I shit you knot !

[redbarron77]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.

[Scruit]

As a card-carrying Limey, i found the disposition of the english group to be spot on. :-D

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk 2

[redkow97]

An impression of a cat on jeopardy: "meow."

"I'm sorry Alex, WHAT IS meow."

[redbarron77]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[Brownsfan1]

There was a geo broken down on the side of the road a porshe pulled up and the driver asked do you need a tow? The driver of the geo said yes, but don't go over 45mph cause my car doesn't handle high speeds well. I will flash my lights if you get going too fast. They start going down the road a corvette pulls up next to the porshe wanting to race. So they take off racing down the road passing a trooper. The trooper gets on the radio and says your not going to believe this a porshe and a corvette are racing and a geo is flashing its lights to pass.

[Brownsfan1]

A mushroom walks into a bar, Bartender says we don't serve your kind here. The mushroom says why not I'm a fungi.

[redbarron77]

Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''

''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''

''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''

[Helmutt]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Brownsfan1]

You know your drunk when you swerve to miss a tree just to realize it was your air freshener.

[redbarron77]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a large portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. The one sitting in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’ asked the couple. 'Because I am the photographer,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no Africans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[redbarron77]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us.

She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees

And laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought, Man,

"These Taser guns are well worth the money"

[ScubaCinci]

Reds, Bengals, Browns

The end.

[redbarron77]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with... Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[redbarron77]

From: Bin Laden, Osama

To: All AlQuieda Fighters

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.

We’ve all been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no ‘I’ in team” as well as the Garfield that says “Hang In There, Baby.” Very humorous. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -

1st of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) – so we need to sweep the cave daily, I’ve done my bit on the cleaning rota………..have you? I’ve posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

2nd, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the ‘Wassup’ thing just while we’re taping. Thanks.

3rd: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote “Ossy” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

4th: I’m not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner’s bat and ball games. Please do not chant “Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi” everytime I ride past on the donkey.

Thanks

Last, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.

PS – I’m sick of having Osama’s Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets – Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.

[redbarron77]

...decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: “Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.

What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer… and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!’”

[2fat2fly]

Hope it's not a re-post, thought it was really funny and wanted to share:

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped. Their leader George, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers past the State Trooper, and said to her, "What are you doing?" She replied "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," neither did he want to miss a “be-a-legend” opportunity, either. So he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

With no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After that, George quickly won approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Trooper. He said "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're about to waste, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.